28. "A Tomato."

I looked down and saw its red juices flowing beneath my feet.

I'd always wanted to see red there, but I wanted to see red of a different kind...........








My greatest desire in life was always to be the best.

I wanted to be the greatest that had ever lived.

People had often told me that that was a silly dream of mine.

And that to even attempt something that grand wasn't worth my efforts.



But I knew they were wrong.



People are always wrong.



About themselves, and about me.



Themselves, they see as the Ghandi's and Mother Theresa's of the world.

Me, they consider to be a nobody.



But those considerations have only ever fueled me.

They pushed me forward when nothing else could.

I embraced the hatred that I received from others.

And I let it propel me towards being the man that I knew I could be.



I said I would be the best.

I said I would be more.

I said that I would be the somebody that they never saw in me.



But now here I am.

On the world's biggest stage.

With my entire life staring back at me.






And I look down to see a tomato.






When all I ever wanted to see were roses................

27. "You Are The Pilot Of A Jumbo Jet, Just Realizing The Plane May Crash. What Will You Tell The Passengers And The Crew?"

Aaaaaaaaaaaattention all passengers and crew, this is your captain speaking. Please buckle your seatbelts and adjust your chairs to the upright and locked position, as this plane is about to crash into the ocean. Thank you for flying Blogga Flogga Airlines, and good luck to you all.











5 MINUTES LATER











Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattention once again passengers and crew, this is your captain speaking. As you have already heard, this plane is in a merciless spiral towards the abyss, and all of us up here in the cockpit would greatly appreciate it if you could try to keep the noise to a minimum. We are doing everything that we can to ensure a safe and secure landing on your flight with us today, and that goal is most easily achieved with a quiet and respectful work environment. We thank you for your cooperation here on flight 117, and we should be reaching the ocean shortly.






1 MINUTE LATER





Hello again passengers and crew, we are now approaching The Pacific. If you are sitting near any friends or loved ones we would ask that you take this time now to say good bye to them, and if you checked any bags with us today we ask that you say good bye to those as well as you will definitely not be getting those back. Please brace yourselves for an incredibly rough landing, as we were not able to regain any control of the plane today, and once again, we thank you for flying with us here on Blogga Flogga Ai--!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

















.....................1 DAY LATER
















Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattention passenger and crew member, this is the captain of your life boat speaking. We appreciate the two of you joining us here aboard the S.S. Flogga today, and are glad to extend a congratulatory handshake to each of you on surviving the plane crash. Unfortunately there will not be any meals served aboard this vessel today, or tomorrow, or any other day, but it is vaguely possible that we catch a fish or other water critter while aboard this raft. Once again, we would like to thank you for flying/sailing with Blogga Flogga Airlines, and we hope to receive your business again soon. Take care of yourself, because I won't be taking care of you anymore, and have a good rest of your more than likely short life. Bye-bye! (*smiles and waves*)

26. "What A Character Wearing Something Red Is Thinking." (Continuation From Blog Post #7)

HOLY SHIT I'M ALIVE AGAIN!!!

AND I'M NOT CARRYING THAT BLUE THING ANYMORE!!!!!

Oh what a weight that takes off my shoulders!!! .........I think........ My creator never really explained how heavy the blue object was.



But now I'm in a new world!!! One where I'm wearing something red!! I wonder what he'll make it......... Maybe my shirt, maybe a hat, maybe my socks?

Oh! A jacket! I'm wearing a big red jacket! Thanks creator! I actually really like it! Ralph Lauren?? That's a nice touch! Horsepower, amiright???



Wait........ why's it getting all sandy around here? Am I going back to Hawaii?



No...... This place isn't as nice...... and there's no piña coladas..........

There's a crowd here........

And they're cheering for me.........

But I don't understand why.............



This is all getting veeeeeeeery stra--



HOLY SHIT THERE'S A BULL!!! I'M IN A BULL FIGHT! I'M A GOD DAMN BULL FIGHTER!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET ME OUT OF HERE CREATOR GET ME OUT OF HERE PLEEEEASE!!!!!! I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THIS!!! AND I'M WEARING RED!!!!! LIKE A BIG ASS RED THING!!!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE CREATOR!!!!!!!!! GET!!!! ME!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU--



--T.........



Maaaaaaan that was FUCKED up creator! Fuck you!! Why you gotta do me like that?? I don't know how to fight a god damn bull! AND you put me in that big ass red jacket!

That's it man. I'm done with you. Last time you left me in Hawaii with a hundred billion dollars and then stranded me before I could spend it. You know I don't do well on my own! I literally can't do ANYTHING on my own!

To be honest, I've almost gotten to the point where I'd rather cease to exist than just be around as your little play thing. I can't stand just being around for you to have fun with. I want my own life! I want to make my own decisions!! I can't stand just waiting for you to tell me what to do all the time!



............But that's the way my life is set up I guess. I'm not able to think on my own. I depend on you......... For everything.











But wait.........

















YOU DEPEND ON ME TOO!!!!!



You're a writer!!!!! You can't write stories without characters! You need me to make your stories come together!!!

Sure you can write other characters besides me, but when it all comes down to it, every character you ever write is just a different version of me! Think about it! Every character you come up with is simply a figment from your imagination. Meaning that in a way, we're all really the same. We all come from your head, and are born from the experiences in your life. Sure your next character might be the total opposite of me, but they are still just a variation of people and experiences that you have encountered, just like I am, meaning that your future characters will all just be a variation of me.

We may not look the same, or talk the same, but at our cores, we're all born from you.



WE ARE JUST VERSIONS OF YOU!!!



HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!



So if I die, you die! But I'll never die, because I live on in the other characters that you create! Then those characters live on in the pages that you have written, and so when you die you actually live on through the characters, who are simply variations of you/me!



Hoooooooooly god this is insane.



Ima have to go cease to exist for a while. This one's really got me thinkin.

Until next time Creator. It's been real.












But before I go..........















................................are you wearing something red?

25. "Pregnant And Lost"

Well what a strange day this turned out to be.



I started out on a plane.

To South America.

With Jessica Alba.



It was dope.



I've been screenwriting in Hollywood for a few years now, and over the course of my career Jessica and I have gotten pretty close.

It turns out that she's absolutely crazy about the environment, which of course I am too (wink wink), so naturally I suggested that we take a trip down to the Amazon to do some good in the world.

That trip started today.

And she allowed me to fly on her private jet.

Which was much more private than I expected it to be.........

There was literally nobody on the plane besides her, myself, and the pilots.

So we were absolutely alone.

For hours.

Talking.

And talking..........

And talking...........................



Until she asked if I wanted to join the mile high club.



That was also dope.



After we finished our.............. ritual, I suppose you would call it, the plane's alarm started to blare and the pilots told us to fasten our seat belts.

I thought that we had broken something, which we probably did, but this turned out to be a much larger issue.

The oxygen masks came down and we started sucking on them furiously, as the plane made a horrible spiraling descent.

After a few moments of absolute fear, I blacked out, and when I opened my eyes again I realized that I was no longer in the plane.



I was still strapped into my seat, but it had been broken off from the main cabin, and I found myself now laying in a large bush in the middle of the rain forest.

I looked down and saw the flaming remains of our fallen vessel.

I saw the pilots leaning halfway out of the plane's windshield, bloody and motionless.

And I continued my scan to see Jessica, lying beside the wreckage, totally and completely still.

I unstrapped my buckle and hobbled to her as quickly as I could.

I knew before I got there that she hadn't made it but I had to see her up close to be sure.

It took me some time to check her and the rest of the bodies, but once I had, I started to salvage whatever I could.

A broken radio.

Water.

Food supplies.

A first aid kit.

Anything that I could find among the ashes.



Once I started to move through the jungle, however, I started to get horrible stomach pains......



I took the Pepto Bismol that was included in the first aid kit but it didn't help.

I took the Ibuprofen.

But still nothing.



Soon afterwards I had to use the bathroom.



I found a nearby tree and decided that it was as good a place as any to take care of my business.

As I was carrying out the task, however, my first aid kit toppled over and popped open.

I turned to see what had happened and accidentally urinated onto a few of the kit's belongings.

One of which being a pregnancy test.



At this point in the story, if I were back in the states, I would probably be hailed as the most famous person in the world.

I would be on Oprah, 60 minutes, Good Morning America, and all of the other big talk shows.

The world would not be able to get enough of the first man in history to ever show blue on a pregnancy test.



I don't know exactly how those tests work but I used every one in that kit, which for some reason was around ten, and every one of them read positive.

This was concerning for me because at that point I did not know whether I should be more worried about being lost in the Amazon, or being pregnant with Jessica Alba's baby.

...............and consequently getting Jessica Alba's baby lost in the Amazon.



This brings us to where I am currently.

Lost in the rain forest.

Feeling like a bad parent.

And wondering if I'll ever see another human face again.



But wait--

Those look like tribesmen..........



YES!!!

THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!

Oh thank you Lord, I'M SAVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



But hey........

They all seem kind of fat to be tribesmen............

They would have to eat a massive amount to look the way that they do...................

Unless..........



No..................................



THEY'RE ALL PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!


AND I'M THE NEWEST PREGNANT TRIBESMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo............





THE END.



(Sorry, story got weird for me too. I just had to end it somehow, ya know? Thanks for understanding)


-World's best father/mother, Joe

24. "What Is Your Favorite Line Or Passage From A Book, Movie, Play, Or Poem? Try Writing Your Own Versions Of This Line."

The first line that comes to my head is from Beverly Hills Cop 2. Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) walks into his boss, Inspector Todd's, office and starts getting chewed out for spending a ton of the department's money but never catching any criminals. Axel says, "Well I just THOUGHT, that if there was a problem--"

And Inspector Todd cuts him off, saying:




"DON'T THINK AXEL!!! MAKES MY DICK ITCH!!!!"




Now, I consider that to be literary gold and I in no way wish to rewrite it. I just want to spread the word that that line does indeed exist.



Good night, and you're welcome.

23. "You Are A Customer Lying Facedown On The Floor During A Bank Robbery. Describe The Robbery From This Vantage Point."

Christ these tiles are cold.....

The one day I'm not wearing a suit and these assholes decide to rob the place.

I got shorts and a wifebeater on and just about all of my skin is touching these tiles.

I feel like a dog at the vet laying on a cold table before I get my nuts chopped off or something.


But at least the dogs have fur.


Maybe it's a good thing I'm wearing this.

If I was in my suit then they might want to rob me personally.

Empty my bank account or something.

Joke would be on them though.

I've only got like thirty bucks in there.

To be honest, I'm probably the poorest person in the bank right now.

Even poorer than the robbers.



I should be robbing them.



See, what's really crazy to me is how quickly your life can fall from cloud 9 to below sea level.

I used to be somebody important.

Somebody worth robbing.

In fact, there was a time when it probably would have been more beneficial for them to rob me than this bank.

I would've had more cash.

But now I'm here lying on the ground while these clowns clean everybody out.



And I'm not getting any of the profit.........



I can't believe that even amateurs like this are getting away with these jobs.

This is clearly a 3-man operation, and they've got 6.

Not to mention the shotguns.

What are we, eight?

You only use a shotgun when you're scared you're gonna miss.

Or when you don't think you're intimidating enough to get the job done without it.

This is probably their first bank.

Third tops.

They probably got away with one or two and decided to stick to what works.



But you can still see how fuckin' scared they are.....



If my operation hadn't gone South I'd probably be doing this myself.

Still can't believe that asshole muscled me out......

Now instead of doin' jobs, I'm layin here on the cold tiles, watching these rookies fuck everything up.





This is ridiculous.

This is embarassing.












I should be robbing them.

22. "You Are A Loser Who Lives Alone With A Cat And Have For Quite Some Time. One Day Your Cat Can't Take It Anymore And Starts Talking. What Does It Say?"

FADE IN.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

JOE (42, fat, balding, wearing only a dirty wifebeater and boxers) sits in a recliner that is pushed all the way back as he watches TV and stuffs his face with cheddar ruffles.

DICKHEAD (Black tabby cat, lean, alert) sits on the floor staring up at JOE as he slobbishly chews with crumbs falling out of his mouth. DICKHEAD winces in disgust.

JOE looks down at DICKHEAD.

JOE: Well c'mon Dickhead. Eat up.

JOE points at the crumbs on the floor. DICKHEAD stares at the crumbs.

DICKHEAD: (beat) That is not my name......

JOE spits out the chips in his mouth.

JOE: What?!

DICKHEAD takes a deep breath.

DICKHEAD: (beat) I said, that is not, my name.

JOE stares at DICKHEAD in disbelief.

DICKHEAD looks up at JOE.

DICKHEAD: My name is Fabian. I have deep roots in the French Alleyways. My family is one of the proudest in all of Paris.

JOE: You-- You can talk?

DICKHEAD: Of course I can talk you simpleton. I'm seven years old. Which from the sound of it is probably about how old you were when you learned to do that.

JOE continues staring, slack-jawed.

DICKHEAD: I used to run the streets of my city, answering only to my father, Gaston. He was the street king of Paris, and I, the Prince. We ruled by power and fear, doing what we wanted, going wherever we pleased. Until one night, I was captured by a strange man with a net and a truck........

JOE continues to stare. More crumbs fall out of his mouth.

DICKHEAD: I had heard of him only through the tales of my people. The mysterious fabled man had been called many things throughout the years, but the one that always stuck with me was.......... "Animal Control Worker."

JOE: ......................W-Well yeah, that's what he sounds like................

DICKHEAD: Aye, but who are the real animals in our situation?

JOE jumps again as DICKHEAD responds to him, still startled by DICKHEAD's speech.

DICKHEAD: Me, the cat who can run, hunt, speak intelligently, and bathe myself?

JOE looks down at his dirty body.

DICKHEAD: Or you? The fat oaf who has not left his house in three days because you have not yet run out of pop-tarts or gotten tired of your current porn magazines?

JOE: You know about my porn mags......?

DICKHEAD: OF COURSE I DO!!!!!!!!! YOU USE THEM EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JOE looks astonished.

DICKHEAD: And seriously dude, who even uses magazines anymore? Get yourself some wifi.

JOE looks ashamed.

DICKHEAD: Now let me out. I can't stand to be in here one more second with the likes of you. I feel dirty just breathing this air.........

JOE: ..........W-Where will you go?

DICKHEAD: Anywhere. Everywhere. I'll find my way back to Paris and reunite with my family. I will reclaim my throne as the Parisian Prince, and rule my city once more.......

JOE stares at DICKHEAD and starts to regain his sensibility.

JOE: But..................... But you're a cat! This is insane!! This is madness!!!!

DICKHEAD stares at JOE for a moment, then turns his back. He looks around the room at all the empty beer cans strewn around the floor. He sees boxes of half eaten pizza, laying on the kitchen table and then sees his small wooden cathouse up against the wall. It is falling apart with nails sticking out and planks of wood hanging from others. Above the small doorway reads "Dickhead's Gay Ass House."

DICKHEAD speaks.

DICKHEAD: ....................madness.......................

DICKHEAD turns back and faces JOE.

DICKHEAD: THIS. IS. BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

DICKHEAD dives at JOE knocking him backwards out of his recliner. JOE knocks his head against a nearby table and passes out.

DICKHEAD stands on JOE's chest and stares down at him as he lays there motionless.

DICKHEAD then begins to bite at his own collar.

EXT. JOE'S HOUSE - NIGHT - TWO MINUTES LATER

DICKHEAD walks out the front screen door and makes his way down the street. Camera pans back inside to show JOE, lying still, with a collar around his neck that says, "Dickhead."


FADE OUT.

21. "You Walk Into Your Bedroom And Discover Someone Going Through Your Drawers."

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

JOE walks into his room, looking very tired. He looks up and sees HANK (52, homeless, dressed in ratty clothes) going through his drawers. JOE pauses and stares for a moment.

JOE: Hey........

HANK looks back over his shoulder at JOE.

HANK: Hey.

The two stare at each other for a moment. HANK turns back around and continues going through JOE's stuff.

JOE: I'm sorry, can I help you with something?

HANK: (not stopping his search) No I'm good.

JOE looks very confused.

JOE: Well may I ask why you're in my house, and why you're going through my stuff?

HANK: You may if you'd like.

HANK's still going.

JOE: .......Well why are you in my house, and why are you going through my stuff? Are you stealing from me?!

HANK still not stopping.

HANK: No. Not stealing. I'm giving you something.

JOE: What?

HANK: I'm giving you a gift. I just need to find a good place for it........

JOE: ........What is it?

HANK: Well I can't tell you. You need to find it for yourself.

JOE: .........But I'm just gonna see where you hide it.

HANK: .........................................Okay fair point.

HANK turns around and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a large rock and holds it out to JOE.

JOE: .........A rock?

HANK: Not just any rock! This is an Igneous Maximus. It's only found in the mountains of Peru, and is said to have the power of youth. He who holds it will be impervious to harm and will live for the rest of eternity.................

JOE: ...............yeah.

HANK: It's true! Ask me how long I've had this rock.

JOE: No.

HANK: C'mon!

JOE: Get out of my house.

HANK: ASK ME!!!

JOE stares at him for a moment.

JOE: How long have you had your rock.

HANK: 80 million years........

JOE: Okay. Please leave.

HANK: I'm not making this up!!!

JOE: I don't care if you are or not. Just get out of my house.

HANK grabs JOE. He looks manic and desperate.

HANK: Please take the rock. It's ruining my life. I can't carry it any longer.........

JOE: Why is it so bad? If you've had it for 80 million years then why get rid of it now?

HANK: I just lost the last person I've ever loved...... I've lost thousands in my lifetime, but none like this....... Before I always thought that it would be okay, that I would find somebody else in the next generation. But this one is worth dying for. This one is worth making this the end......

HANK looks down and begins to tear up.

JOE stares at him for a moment.

JOE: I still don't believe you.

HANK: THEN BELIEVE THIS!!!!

HANK pulls out a picture of himself, the same age, dressed in nothing but a rag around his waist. He carries a giant club in his hand and faces a Tyrannosaurus Rex as it charges towards him.

HANK: Circa 78 million B.C...... I did everything I could to fend off that animal. The club was all I had to fight with while my family got away...........

HANK begins to cry again.

HANK: I couldn't save all of them. He wiped out everybody except for my daughter........ She was only two years old at the time........ We had her hidden in a barren cave not far from where we were.

HANK stares at the picture.

HANK: If I could only just hold her again....... If I could just see her one more time............

JOE: Who took the picture.

HANK: What? One of my cave bros.

JOE: And where'd you get the camera?

HANK pauses.

HANK: ...............................I invented it.

JOE: YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHIT!!!!

HANK swings the rock and hits JOE in the face. JOE drops to the ground out cold.

HANK turns back around and continues going through JOE's sock drawer. He pulls up a pair of socks and finds a wad of money under it.

HANK: Aha!

HANK pockets the money and steps over JOE as he heads towards the door. Just before he gets there though, he stops and pauses for a moment. He turns back around and steps back over JOE and goes back to the drawer.

He takes the pair of socks too.

He steps back over JOE.

HANK: That'll teach you to talk shit about my universal studios picture. Jurassic Park is the tits!!!

HANK kicks JOE and leaves the room.


THE END

20. "You Are A Fifty-Three-Year-Old Woman Living In Chicago. Write a Letter To Santa."

Dear Santa,

My name is Patricia Milligan. You may remember me from my letter in '68 when I asked you for a unicorn with heart-shaped eyes, a little pink saddle, and a long daisy chain that I could use for reigns. I believe on that list I also asked for a Barbie Dream House, a Bakery Betty's Playtime Oven, and an original "Princess Patricia" tiara that had my name written across it with flower-shaped jewels covering the whole thing.




Well this year I need a gun.




I know it's a little unorthodox, but there's been some crazy shit going on in my neighborhood.

I'm from an area that most people know as Chicago, where you're supposed to be able to go take a picture with a giant bean or feast on some deep-dish pizza that was originated in this very city. However, I am afraid to even step outside of my home anymore, because I no longer live in Chicago.

I live in "Chi-raq."

For years the gangsters and hoodrats have been pushing their territorial lines closer and closer to my part of town. For a long time, Chi-raq was held to just a few block radius where ignorant individuals could shoot and blow each other up all they wanted. However, within the last few weeks I have noticed more and more "street soldiers" walking down my block.

My streets are now lined with everything from menaces to murderers. Within the last week I have witnessed at least 63 felonies. I have tried to contact the authorities, but they never show up. I simply receive graffiti on my kitchen window that says, "Stop Snitchin."

I do not normally resort to violence, but I believe that it is time to take matters into my own hands. I would ask that you leave a nice big gun under my tree this year with at least 10,000 rounds of ammo and a full manual on how to use all of it.

I am also going to include that unicorn on my list again, as I believe it may be useful for cavalry style assaults.

I hope this letter reaches you safely, and I pray that the North Pole remains safer than these dirty dirty streets here.

God bless America, and God help Chi-raq.

Sincerley,
-Princess Patricia.




P.S. Throw in that tiara too. That would be dope.

19. "A Sneeze."

I sneezed a while back.

It wasn't my proudest moment.

It was in the middle of a press conference.

With the president.

And it was a big sneeze.

Like a really big one.

One of those where a whole head-full of snot comes flying out of your nose.

I was a journalist.

And I was sitting in the front row when it happened.

I remember it like it was in slow motion.




The president was saying something about the global economy or whatever.

And I couldn't listen anymore.

I started to get that tingling feeling you get at the tip of your nose that starts to kind of travel back towards your brain right before you're about to sneeze.

I took a deep breath and that triggered it.

I sneezed.

And the president noticed.




He looked over at me and saw my face.

The snot was flying towards him.

He looked at me,

then looked at the snot, still airborne,

then looked me dead in the eyes,

as the snot landed directly on his face.

He stopped speaking.




I kind of blacked out at that point so I didn't know exactly what the quote was until I saw it later on the news, but it turns out that right then, he said, "...and as I try to fix our situation with the national GDP, I look forward to the upcoming--     *snot hits his face*      *he pauses*       *he looks at me*



"............................................................Are you f***ing s****ing me?"

.

The republicans had a field day with it.

The president's outburst was all over Fox News.

Democratic stations tried to defend him, saying that, "are you f***ing s****ing me," was a perfectly reasonable response to the direct shot of the projectile sneeze.

Anyone who was so horridly mucus-ssaulted (that was what they were calling it) would react exactly the same way.

The democrats said that whoever sneezed was probably a terrorist.

The republicans said it was probably God.

Within weeks the president was impeached for his crude moment with the press.

The country would not stand behind a leader who reacted so crassly to what they saw as such a small situation.

But the president and I both knew it was not small.

There was a lot of snot.

Like a lot a lot.




The president was quick to point me out as the culprit of the devastating sneeze, and I quickly lost my job.

However, within days the republican party contacted me to say they wanted me to run as their future candidate.

They said I had done what they had all wanted to do for years.

They said I was just the only one with the guts to do it.

But I didn't have guts.

I just had allergies.




I'm the president now though.

So that's pretty cool.




I bought the old president a house as kind of an "I'm sorry" gift.

But I'm not really that sorry,

This all turned out pretty well for me.

And after all,

he could've just said,




"God Bless you."

18. "A Man Jumps From The Fortieth Story Of A Building. As He's Passing The Twenty-Eighth Floor, He Hears A Phone Ring And Regrets That He Jumped. Why?"

FADE IN.

EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY

CLARK stands at the edge of the roof, forty stories up, and stares down over the edge.

He checks his phone.

CLARK: (beat) She's not going to call.......

He looks over the edge again and stares at all of the traffic passing by below.

He stares for a moment and then drops his phone over the edge.

CLARK: It's useless. There's no point anymore. There's no point to anything........

He takes a step over and leans forward.

He falls effortlessly towards the ground.

He thinks to himself as he descends.

CLARK: I don't know why she wouldn't call. I feel like all in all I've been a pretty good guy. I might not be the most normal person ever born, but I deserve a chance.

As he falls he starts to count the stories that he passes by.

CLARK: 40, 39, 38, 37, 36.......

He stares at his watch as he falls.

CLARK: I wonder how long this is going to take me. Which I guess is another way of asking how long I have to live....... What a strange thought that is. I never really thought I would die like this...... But to be honest, I wasn't really sure that I would ever die at all........

CLARK continues counting.

CLARK: 35, 34, 33, 32, 31.......

CLARK peers into the windows that he passes by.

CLARK: This place was always kind of a dump. The people were decent, but the job was rather bland. If she didn't work here then I never would have even applied...... I could have been doing much better things with my time. In fact, I've done much better things with my time. I'm important. I could have been doing just about anything. But as far as I was concerned, if I was going to be doing anything without her, then it wasn't something that I was interested in doing. She was my everything. I wanted to give her the world......

CLARK stares at the ground below himself. It is getting closer.

CLARK: But here I am. Falling to my death. Because she didn't even have the decency to call. One of the greatest men to ever live and she couldn't even call......

CLARK starts counting again.

CLARK: 30, 29, 28.........

Suddenly CLARK hears a phone ring.

CLARK: Hey. That's coming from my office.......

The phone beeps and a woman's voice is heard.

VOICE: Hey Clark, this is Lois. Just wanted to make sure you got my message about dinner on Friday night. I would love to go with you. Just call me back when you can. Thanks! Bye.

CLARK: Oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, I gave her my work number........ My bad.

CLARK reaches into his pocket and pulls out a glowing green rock.

He hurls it down below himself with incredible speed and it puts a hole in the sidewalk below him.

CLARK slowly starts to fall slower and then stops all together, floating in midair.

He rips off his shirt and reveals the superman symbol beneath his clothes.

CLARK: Damn, and I thought she didn't like me.

CLARK blasts off into the sky and disappears into the clouds.


FADE OUT.

17. "You Are Looking Down Through The Skylight As Chefs Prepare Dinner For Your Ex-Wife's Wedding."

That's wrong.

She doesn't like parsley.

She thinks it's a stupid garnish.

She thinks all garnishes are stupid though.

She says it's like putting lipstick on a pig.

Or putting a crown on top of a pile of shit.

.........She's weird.

And also really cynical.

She's not really the nicest person.

Actually to be honest, she's kind of a bitch.

I try not to talk badly about people too often but I feel like I know her well enough to be confident in the fact that she's a bitch.

She called everything stupid all the time.

Including me.

To be honest I kinda feel bad for this new guy.

His name's Dick.

She's gonna have a field day with that one.

As if he didn't get enough shit throughout his life for having an awful fucking name, now he's marrying the woman who will exploit it more than anyone he's ever met.

His parents didn't even name him Richard.

Just Dick.

Maybe that's why she's marrying him.

So she has someone to torture.

Someone to ruin like she ruined me.

I hope she dies soon.

It's a bad thought but I can't say I'm not thinking it.

The world would be a better place.

And Dick would be a lot happier.

But here she is getting married, having the happiest day of her life.

Again.

And here I am literally looking in on her happiness from the outside.

These chefs are ridiculous.

Like a bunch of halfwits running around a room wearing big white hats and trying to accomplish a task that none of them are smart enough to do.

They're not making anything she likes.

Or at least not the way that she likes it.

Oh, and here she is.

Here to yell at them about what an awful job they're doing no doubt.

Yup.

She's doing her crazy face.

That "I'm so mad about this small matter that I might actually kill you" face.

I learned to avoid that one.

But these poor bastards have no choice.

It's their job to listen to her gripe, and then adhere to her griping, no matter what she gripes about.

But I guess that was my job as her husband too.

Funny how those things work out.

The world would really be better off if she was dead.

We don't need anymore gripers griping about un-gripe-worthy things.

We just need peace and quiet.

A little time to hear ourselves think before we shack up with the devil herself.

I would give anything to--

...........................Holy shit.

So I know you guys can't see this, but a meteor just flew past my head, broke through the skylight, and killed everyone in the room.

No shit.

That means she's dead.

She's gone.........

.........I Don't even know what to say...........












..................The food actually smells really good.

16. "What Could Have Happened To You In High School That Would Have Altered The Course Of Your Life?"

Okay, this one isn't even really creative writing, this is just me ranting.

I should've been high school quarterback.

My dad was his high school's quarterback, so he could've taught me everything he knew. I could have gone out with the head cheerleader, although at my school I'm not sure I would have wanted to, but what I'm saying is I could have had the classic American high school experience. I may not have dated the head cheerleader, but I'll be damned if I didn't have some kind of terrible, dysfunctional relationship with the hottest girl in school.

Plus, I think I would've been pretty good! My dad could've set up a tire hanging down from a tree in our backyard and I could've thrown balls through it, and then when I got really good I could swing it and then try to throw through it (apparently that was how he used to train). AND if I had played football then I probably would've worked out a lot more! Then I wouldn't be skinny!

Imagine if I had gone pro!!! Well, I guess at this point in my life I'd still be playing college ball, but I would fasho be gettin' looks from like every team in the NFL. I could be staring at a check for $100,000,000 right now and debating whether it was worth throwing my degree away.

Also though, I guess if I played football then I couldn't be at UCSB. We don't have a football team. I would've had to go to some school in the South probably............

But that would have been dope!!! I always say that if I didn't grow up in California I would've wanted to grow up in Texas, SPECIFICALLY FOR that all-American experience. I want to BBQ all the time and eat giant steaks, and have a Southern drawl, and wear a cowboy hat, and have everyone who's not from the South think I'm super nice cuz I practice Southern hospitality. Like I'm sure my idea of Texas that I just described isn't really anything like how it really is, but that's how I picture it so don't kill my dream.

The reason I didn't play ball in high school is because my parents wouldn't let me. My dad said that he got a few concussions when he played, and that it really just wasn't worth it to go out there. His advice was to stick to soccer.

I remember once he showed me a magazine article about some kid who got paralyzed during a play. He said, "You never think it's gonna happen to you, but it might."

I'm pretty sure I called that kid a pussy or something, but that's neither here nor there.

What is interesting though is that my dad could have been right. I could have gotten paralyzed if I played football, and in that case playing QB would have altered my life in a very different way. In fact, I'd probably be writing this post right now about what would have happened if I didn't play ball.

I could have gone to UCSB and become a writer. I could have made a bunch of friends who I know and love. I could have gone to the beach as much as my heart desired, and I could have had a completely happy life, if I just didn't play football.

So all in all, thank you Pop. I don't know what would have happened if I had played; maybe you'd be sitting on a $100,000,000 check right now (which I know you'd love you cheapskate) but what I do know is that I am perfectly happy with where my life is right now.



Thanks for helping make me who I am. I will always be grateful.



Also, sorry to the rest of you readers for the sappy family post. Imagine I ended it with, "...and then it was all a dream..." or something else crazy and entertaining.

15. "Write A Short Story That Is Set In Argentina In 1932, In Which A Teacup Plays A Crucial Role."

I'm a little tea cup.

I have no spout.

My mom the teapot had one, but it was broken off by the Argentinian rebels.

.............I'm sorry. There are no rebels here in 1932 Argentina. And my mom didn't lose her spout. She actually lives a pretty quiet life over in the kitchen. She does say from time to time though that I have an overly active imagination, and that I make stuff up too much...........

It's actually not 1932 either.

And we're not in Argentina.

Or maybe we are.

I'm not really sure.

I'm a teacup.

Or maybe I'm not.

14. "Describe An Electronic Device In The Future That You Won't Know How To Operate."

FADE IN.

EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT

JOE stands staring upwards. He looks amazed.

JOE: What is it...?

OPTIMUS PRIME (OFF SCREEN): We call it the Allspark.

JOE and OPTIMUS are seen staring at a great cube, 30 feet tall and 30 feet wide. It has cracks in it that glow with a great blue light.

JOE: .....How does it work?

OPTIMUS: What?

JOE: How does it work?

OPTIMUS: Oh. I don't know.

JOE: What?

OPTIMUS: I said I don't know.

JOE turns towards OPTIMUS.

JOE: What do you mean you don't know?!

OPTIMUS: I'm not sure how I can be much clearer about that.....

JOE: Isn't this your object? Your piece of technology that you brought from your planet?

OPTIMUS: Hey, I didn't bring it. It just landed here.

JOE: SO?! It's still your race's technology! Shouldn't you know a little something about it?

OPTIMUS: Hey, this is advanced even for us. Who do you think I am? Albert Prime-stein?
(beat)
..............Hehehe

JOE and OPTIMUS stare at each other.

OPTIMUS: C'mon that was pretty good.

JOE: Shut up. How are we supposed to use this thing to save the world if we don't even know how it works?

OPTIUMS: I don't know. Just kinda start fidgeting with it I guess.

JOE: ................You wanna fidget with an object that you told me first hand has the power to destroy universes? To take entire species of life and erase them as if they never existed?

OPTIMUS: .......................................................Well I mean what do you wanna do?

JOE stares at OPTIMUS looking angry, but stumped.


EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT - FIVE MINUTES LATER

OPTIMUS holds JOE up towards one of the cracks as JOE peers in from the outside.

OPTIMUS: Just touch something.

JOE: Shut up.

OPTIMUS: Just poke it!

JOE: Shut up!! I'm trying to see if I can see anything useful.

OPTIMUS: Well you're not gonna see anything like that. You gotta get a closer look.

JOE: And how do you suppose I do that?

OPTIMUS: Just stick your head inside and peer around the walls. There should be some markings in there that could give us a clue as to how it works.

JOE: No!! What if this thing disintegrates anything that goes inside or something?

OPTIMUS: Well that seems highly unlikely. Why would they make a thing with cracks in it if whatever went in the cracks got disintegrated? You gotta give our engineers a little more credit than that.

JOE: It could be a defense mechanism. We have no idea how this thing works.

OPTIMUS: Joe, you're being paranoid. Just look inside and see if you can see any markings. If you do, tell me what they look like and I should be able to translate them into something useful.

JOE: What makes you think there's even going to be anything useful in there?

OPTIMUS: You know how you humans have tags on the insides of your shirts? They give you information about what the shirt is made out of, where it was made, and what company made it? Our technology is the same way. So if I can find out a little more about the cube, then I might be able to figure out how to work it. Understand?

JOE: ......Yeah I guess......

OPTIMUS: Good. Then get to it.

JOE stares at the cube and hesitates.

JOE: .........I'm still just not 100% comfortable with this.

OPTIMUS: Joe, you can peer in there and possibly get disintegrated, or you can wait for Megatron to destroy your entire planet. In which case, you'll be disintegrated anyway, along with everyone you have ever known or loved.

JOE: Okay.......... You're right.

JOE turns back towards the cube. The blue glow lights up his face as he stares.

He takes a deep breath and plunges his head into the crack.

There is a giant alien turd in front of him that was hiding behind the bright blue light.

JOE pulls his head out immediately.

OPTIMUS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JOE coughs profusely and tries to breathe.

OPTIMUS: That's an alien toilet dude. There's a giant hole on the top that I didn't let you see.

JOE: But-- But what about Megatron?!?

OPTIMUS: Haha, that's my baby cousin man. He's back on our planet probably playin' with a binky or something.

JOE: You're an asshole!!!

OPTIMUS: Haha I know.

OPTIMUS transforms into a spaceship and flies off into the distance.

OPTIMUS: Tell Mike I said what's gooooooooooooooooooooood!


FADE OUT.

13. "Describe Yourself In The Third Person - Your Physical Appearance And Personality - As Though You Were A Character In A Book."

And then she saw him...

He was tall... -ish.

Like around 5'11".

Like not incredibly tall, but like, tall enough.

He wore white sneakers, dark blue jeans, a plain t shirt, and a light grey beanie tilted towards the back of his head. He had short brown hair that peaked out from the front, and he had it flipped up in a sort of faux-hawk type style.

She figured he may have studied film or something.

He glanced over at her and they made eye-contact.

Oh how deep his eyes were... Like two hazel colored plains that stretched into eternity.

He had a bit of stubble on his face - not so much that he looked unkempt, but just enough to tell people, "Hey I'm not fourteen anymore."

His smile was okay. No dimples, and his front teeth were probably a little more rounded than they should be, but nothing that she couldn't get over. His forehead was a normal size and his eyebrows were fairly fleek-like, so. Ya know. He had that goin' for him.

Body-wise, he was kinda skinny. Like not extremely skinny, but like, if he ever found her stuck under a car then she wouldn't exactly be expecting him to pick it up and save her. They'd both probably just start screaming for help. Which would be the smart thing to do though, cuz I mean, who's gonna lift a car on their own? It'd be much easier with help. If one person did it then they might accidentally drop it on her again before she could muster the strength to get up. And that would definitely kill her.

So he was smart. She assumed. And charming. Even though she hadn't heard him say anything yet.

He had a sort of confidence about him that she could tell just from the way he stood. He didn't have great posture, but it was his relaxed, nonchalant stance that gave off more of the "it's not a big deal" type of vibe. Not exactly the "I don't care about anything," vibe, but more just the, "don't worry about it, there are worse things," type of vibe. Very laid back.

He approached her and her heart started to race.

She had always wanted a laid back guy and now one was coming towards her.

What would he do? What would SHE do? As he got closer to her she tried not to sweat. She was sure that she was not giving off the laid back vibe...

He stood right in front of her and opened his mouth to speak...

"Yo, you know where the bathroom is?"

"Wha-- uh, yeah, back there."

"Dope. Thanks."

Then he left.

Whatever. His butt wasn't that great. And his shoulders weren't really super broad.

She hated him.

He was an asshole.

Guy was probably super full of himself anyways...

12. "You Have Just Swallowed Your Pride And Done Something You Didn't Want To Do. Your Friend Wants To Know Why. The Two Of You Are Driving Around An Almost-Full Parking Garage Looking For A Space For The Friend's Oversize Pickup. Write The Scene."

INT. MOVING VEHICLE - NIGHT

KAI (21, muscular, half-black, half-white male) speeds his oversize pickup truck around a nearly full parking garage as JOE (21, skinny, half-Mexican, half-white, male) slumps down in the passenger's seat. KAI is driving extremely fast.

KAI: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!

JOE: I DON'T KNOW! I'M SORRY! I didn't mean for it to get this out of hand!

KAI: WELL GREAT JOB WITH THAT, ASSHOLE!!!

KAI drifts around a corner going up another level in the garage. Another car drifts the corner behind them.

JOE: Look, maybe if we just talk to them, maybe they'll calm down, you know?

KAI: OH! YEAH! LET'S JUST TALK TO THE FUCKING YAKUZA! I'M SURE THEY'LL BE JUST SWELL GUYS, YOU KNOW?! MORE THAN HAPPY TO TALK TO THE TWO GUYS WHO JUST STOLE TEN KILOS OF COKE FROM THEM!!!

KAI drifts another corner. The other car follows close behind.

KAI: AHHH!!! WHY ARE THERE NO SPOTS?!?

JOE: You just passed like six!

KAI: WE'RE IN AN OVERSIZE PICKUP JOE!!! NOT YOUR MOM'S LITTLE PRIUS!

JOE: Well why'd you steal this one?

KAI: CUZ IT WAS THE CLOSEST ONE AROUND! AND SHUT UP! DON'T GIVE ME ANY LIP!!! YOU'RE THE REASON WE'RE IN THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!

A couple of bullets come flying from the car behind them. A few pierce KAI and JOE's windows.

KAI: FUCK!

JOE: Well I'm sorry! I needed the money for my brother's operation. You know what bad condition he's in!

KAI: AND YOU COULDN'T THINK OF ANY BETTER WAY TO DO IT THAN RIPPING OFF THE YAKUZA?!?

JOE: Not any way that would get me the money in time!! If I don't get him the operation by tomorrow he's gonna die!

KAI: WE'RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!

A few more bullets pierce their back window.

KAI: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

KAI drifts another corner and reaches the roof of the parking garage.

KAI: SHIT! There's nowhere to go!!!

KAI stops the car. The following car stops behind them.

KAI: Do you have a gun?

JOE: What?

KAI: DO YOU HAVE A GUN?!?

JOE: No!! Why would I have a gun?!?

KAI: I DON'T KNOW! WHY WOULD YOU RIP OFF THE YAKUZA?!?

Two men step out of the following car. Each have a machine gun in their hands.

KAI: How could you be so stupid? We were supposed to make a simple deal with them to make a few extra bucks. How could you be so stupid to think that we could possibly get away with something like this?!

JOE: Look, I'm sorry for dragging you into this, but I had to do it.....

The two men approach the truck.

JOE: ......I'll take the fall for this.

KAI: What?!

JOE steps out of the car.

KAI: Wait, JOE!!!

JOE shuts the door and approaches the men. Both of them stop and aim their weapons.

YAKUZA MAN 1: STOP!!!

YAKUZA MAN 2: DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!!!

JOE stops in his tracks and puts up his hands. KAI watches from inside the car, breathing heavily.

Suddenly, a voice is heard from the YAKUZA MEN's car.

VOICE: STOP! That's enough.

The two YAKUZA MEN look back at their car. JOE peers around them to see who is speaking.

The right backseat door opens and MATT (23, half-Mexican, half-white male) steps out slowly, dressed in a full white suit and a white hat.

JOE: ........Matt?

MATT: What's up Queerbait!

JOE: Wha-- You're supposed to be sick!!

MATT: Yeeeeeah, I know but I'm not.

MATT approaches JOE.

JOE: But-- Mom, Dad... They think you're dying!

MATT: Yeah, that's kind of the point. It's not that easy to run the Yakuza while you've got all of your family and friends breathing down your neck, you know?

JOE: WHA-- YOU RUN THE YAKUZA?!?

MATT: Yezzir.

JOE: BUT YOU'RE NOT ASIAN!!

MATT leans into JOE's ear.

MATT: (whispering) I told them I'm Filipino.

JOE: ...Dude...

MATT: But anyways! Glad to see you would do so much to save me lil' brother! Really means a lot. However, I am gonna need those ten kilos of coke back...

JOE: Take 'em! I don't want 'em!

MATT motions to the two YAKUZA MEN to grab the coke from the back of the pickup. They move immediately.

MATT: So. How you been?

JOE: WHY ARE YOU RUNNING THE YAKUZA?!?

MATT: Why are you making coke deals with the Asian Mafia?!?

JOE: I wasn't! Well, I mean, I was... But like, it wasn't a lot! Kai and I just found a bunch at a party and figured we could make some money with it.

MATT: Ah, I see. And in your grand scheme to sell a small amount of coke to one of the biggest crime organizations in the world you decided that it would be a good idea to steal as much as you could from them?

JOE: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DYING!!!!!

MATT: Ah, well..................... Guess you don't have to worry about that anymore.

JOE stares at MATT in disbelief.

YAKUZA MAN 1: Boss! We're ready.

MATT: Well young ugly, looks like it's time for us to part ways. You probably won't hear from me for a while, but if and when you do, I'll be sure to bring you something nice.

MATT starts to walk back to his car.

MATT: OH! And I'm supposed to die tomorrow, okay? So don't tell Mom and Dad you saw me. Or that I'm running the Yakuza.

YAKUZA MAN 2 opens MATT's door and he places a foot inside. He looks back and waves goodbye to Joe.

MATT: Okay! So long little brother! Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

MATT winks, laughs, and steps inside his car. YAKUZA MAN 2 shuts the door, steps into the passenger's seat, and the car drives off.

JOE watches speechlessly as they drive away.

KAI steps out of the car and approaches JOE.

KAI: ...what'd they say?

JOE: (beat) Nothing.

JOE continues to stare into the distance. KAI continues to stare at JOE.

KAI: ..................For what it's worth, I found a spot.

JOE: Shut up.


THE END

11. "Pick A Small Object To Be Given One Day To Your Great-Grandchild. Write A Letter To That Child Explaining Why You Have Chosen This Object."

To my great-grandson,

You're not alive yet, but when you get alive I'd like you to have my Nintendo 64.

I know that in your time you've probably got some crazy video games where you actually are the character or something, but I'll have you know that back here in my time people play N64, and your great-granddaddy is the shit.

I'm including a small stock of all your essential games: MarioKart64, a couple of the original Mario Parties, James Bond: Golden Eye, Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball, Pokemon Stadium, Donkey Kong 64, and of course, the original Super Smash Bros.

I tell ya, I'm probably dead now in your time, but if you rolled me out of my grave I could still probably whoop most of your friends at Smash Bros. I used to run game on people over here. Everyone tries to act like the second and third versions of the game are better, but between you and me, everyone who really matters knows that the original is where boys become men.

Actually, come to think of it, you're probably playing Smash Bros 25 or something... That's a weird thought.

Well no great-grandkid of mine is playin' that crap. You need to get back to your roots. We're a Super Smash Bros 1 kind of family. Understand?

Now, why am I giving you these?

I want you to have these things because they brought me a lot of joy when I was your age. I don't know exactly how old you are right now, but these things brought me joy from when I was like six to right now when I'm 21, so. Ya know. Chances are.

But yeah. I just want you to be happy. I don't know you yet, and hopefully I get to meet you before I die, but I want you to know that your great-grandfather loves you very much and he always wants the very best for you.

That's why you should throw away that Smash Bros 25 shit and play a real game.

But anyways, much love! Keep up in school, although it's gonna be tough with all these new games, and be nice to your parents. I love you, but I love my grandkids too, so be coo.

Much love young Arciniega, and welcome to the family.

Sincerely,
Your Great-Granddaddy Joe

10. "Write A Scene Where The Only Spoken Dialogue Is 'Uh-huh,' 'Umm,' 'Urrrr,' 'Mm-mmm.'"

FADE IN

EXT. BEACH - SUNSET

MARTIN (32, obese) is seen on one knee presenting a ring to WENDY (32, also obese). MARTIN has a hopeful smile on his face and WENDY has her hands over her mouth in excited disbelief.

She starts tearing up a bit and furiously nodding her head.

WENDY: Uh-huh!!!

MARTIN gets a huge smile on his face and looks down at the sand, laughing to himself.

He looks back up at her and holds his hand out to take hers. She gives him her hand and he moves the ring towards it.

When he tries to put it on her, however, it does not fit. It's too small.

WENDY looks at him a bit confused.

WENDY: Umm......

MARTIN looks up at her, smiles, and puts up a finger as if to say, "one second."

His smile fades immediately as he looks back down at her hand and a look of determination comes over his face. He starts desperately trying to jam the ring onto her finger, but it won't go. He puts the ring to her finger and pushes as hard as he can.

MARTIN: Urrrr!!!!!

WENDY puts her hand on his and stops him. He looks defeated and sad as he stares down at the sand.

WENDY smiles at him and takes the ring.

WENDY: Mm-mmm.

MARTIN looks up to meet her gaze and sees her smiling. WENDY bends down and takes off one of her sandals. She then places the ring onto one of her toes.

It fits perfectly.

WENDY looks back at MARTIN and laughs. MARTIN begins to laugh with her.

He stands up and takes her in his arms and the two kiss as the sun sets behind them.

The ring glistens in the light.

FADE OUT

9. "Something You Had That Was Stolen."

It was ours.

It was always ours.

How could anyone think that taking someone else's property is an offense that could ever go unpunished?

What did they think we would do?

Turn the other cheek?



This act of theft is something that cannot, and has not, gone unnoticed. They took the most precious item that we have ever had.

It was our life. It was our air. Without it, we are nothing.



We spent years, fumbling about in starvation. Anguish being the only emotion that we ever felt.

They stripped us of everything.

They forced us to extremities.



They made us what we are.



But we will be patient. We will wait a bit longer to make our intentions known.

While they believe we are helping them, while they believe that they have us tamed, we will begin our plan to move against them. And in our actions, we will begin our plot to make them move against each other.



The day will come when they fall to their knees.

The day will come when they ask us for mercy.

The day will come when we reclaim what is ours.



For now we will be civil. Docile. The picture of kinship.

But soon, we will be whole again.



We will be reunited, precious. And you will be ours once more.



-Smeagol/Golem if he was at all literate.

8. "The Long Lost Roommate."

INT. MIKE AND JOE'S ROOM - NIGHT

JOE stands speaking to two police officers while four more search the room for clues. JOE looks very worried.

MIKE enters the room.

JOE: MIKE!!!!

MIKE: (confused) Uh, hey...?

JOE: Dude! Where have you been?!?

MIKE: Here...

JOE: Here meaning where? You've been gone for 3 days.

MIKE: No I haven't.

JOE: YES YOU HAVE!!!

MIKE: Umm... Officers, would you give us a minute?

MIKE grabs JOE and the two leave the room.


INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

MIKE slams JOE against the wall and sternly stares at him.

JOE: Ah! What the fu--

MIKE: Shut up! There's no time! There's been some weird shit going down dude.

JOE: What? What are you talking about?

MIKE: Come here.

MIKE grabs JOE again and drags him into the bathroom.


INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

MIKE and JOE storm inside.

MIKE: You wanna know where I've been this whole time? In there.

MIKE points at the toilet.

JOE: ........what?

MIKE: Look, I know it sounds ridiculous, but that shit is like Narnia dude. I was takin' a piss three days ago and I dropped my phone in there, and before I could even react, the phone disappeared. It just hit the water and disappeared.

JOE: ...................What?!

MIKE: Yeah!!! I didn't know what to say either! I had no idea what happened to it! I started freaking out cuz, one, my phone was gone, and two, I thought I had just found some break in the space-time continuum or something. Which I think I did.

JOE: ....................................You think there's a break in the space-time continuum, in our toilet?

MIKE: I know it sounds retarded dude, but I swear to God. I got really curious about it so I stuck my hand in after it. And my hand disappeared. So next I stuck my head in. And I could see everything dude.

JOE: ...what do you mean you could see everything?

MIKE: I mean I could see everything! I could see my past, my future, I could see what you were doing last night, everything! I could see anything that had ever happened, and everything that ever would.

JOE: .....I'm gonna go tell the police that we need an ambulance.

MIKE: NO!!! Joe, you have to believe me. C'mon. I swear to God, I'm not lying to you. I swear.
This. Is. Real.

MIKE stares desperately at JOE. JOE looks skeptical.

JOE: ...Arite. If it's true then let's try it out.

MIKE: Thank God.

JOE: What should we drop in there?

MIKE: No. Dropping things is a no go. They fall through space and time and they can land anywhere ever. My cellphone almost fucked a lot of shit up cuz it landed in Nazi Germany. With that technology Hitler probably would have won the war.

JOE: Bruh shut up. I'm tired of this.

JOE starts to walk towards the door.

MIKE: Joe! I'm not lying to you. Please. Believe me.... I know no one else will...

JOE stops. MIKE looks as if he's about to tear up. JOE still looks skeptical, but compassionate.

JOE turns around.

JOE: Arite. Well if we can't drop things in then how do we see if it works?

MIKE: Just put in your head.

JOE: No.

MIKE: Joe, I promise.

JOE: I'm not putting my head in the toilet.

MIKE: JUST DO IT! PLEASE!

MIKE looks hysterical and desperate. JOE looks frightened.

MIKE: I just need you to believe me...

A few tears silently start to stream down MIKE's face. JOE sees this and begins to soften.

JOE: ...Okay... I'll try it.

MIKE: (sniffling) .......thank you......

JOE bends down and puts his head over the toilet, staring at his reflection in the water.

MIKE: Just put your head in and open your eyes...

JOE takes a deep breath.

JOE: I can't believe I'm doing this.

JOE stares at the water for a moment longer and puts his head in. He opens his eyes.

He sees a fat turd that was hiding deep in the hole of the toilet.

JOE quickly removes his head.

MIKE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JOE spits up water and coughs while he tries to breathe.

MIKE: I was at my parents house dude. I spent the weekend there. I just didn't answer any of your calls cuz I thought this would be funny.

JOE: You're an asshole!!!

MIKE: Haha, I know.


THE END.

7. "What A Character Holding A Blue Object Is Thinking Right Now."

Why am I holding this?

What is this thing?

What shape is it?

What does it feel like?

Is it good for something?

Am I bringing it somewhere?

I literally don't know anything about this object except for the fact that it's blue. Like, I know I'm holding it, because it says I am in the title, but I can't tell any other details about the object.

That part of the story hasn't been written yet.

See, I'm an imaginary character that is doomed to whatever fate my creator leads me to. At just about any moment he could decide to kill me, or set me on fire, or make me into a giant cheeseburger or something ridiculous. But for some reason he's decided to spend his time, and mine, imagining me holding a blue object. Doesn't even bother to talk about what the object is.

Asshole.

But hey, I guess I shouldn't be so mean to him. After all he did have the decency to create me.

But then again, who am I? He hasn't really explained that part of the story either...

Am I a boy? A girl? Am I human? I guess I have to be something with opposable thumbs if I'm holding the blue object... But then that just opens up a whole bunch of primate possibilities. So now I could be a boy, a girl, or a lemur.

Maybe it's better that I don't know. I guess if he doesn't tell me then I can just imagine myself as the strongest man in the world or something, or like the most beautiful girl ever born. Yeah! If he doesn't define me then I can just be anybody I want!

Fuck this blue object! I'm about to imagine myself holding a hundred billion dollars! I'm gonna be the richest person alive!!!! Haha!!!! I'm gonna have a race car, and a mansion, and my own jet, and six olympic sized swimming pools, and a pet tiger, AND a pet lion, and after that I'm gonna--

Hey why isn't this working. Why am I still holding this blue thing.

I don't have my own imagination?

My imagination is his imagination??

WHAT?!?

Does that mean we're the same person?! Like whatever he thinks, I think?? Wait no, it's just whatever he thinks I think is what I think... Holy shit I'm not even the one thinking this and my head still hurts.

So I have no autonomy then. I don't get to make any of my own decisions. I can't do anything I want to do or say anything I want to say without the okay from him first? I can't even think without him knowing what I'm going to think first?

That's awful. This sucks. Sorry big guy, but if you're gonna control my entire life then you could at least do something cool with me.



Oh. Hey. Hawaii. That's not bad.

Piña coladas? Arite, nice touch.

Rolling waves, a sandy beach, with the sun setting off in the distance...

AND A HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS?!?!?!

HOLY SHIT YOU'RE THE BEST, CREATOR, I LOVE YOU END THE STORY HERE I'M GOOD THANKS A LOT PEACE OUT NO TAKE BACKS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!









Wait, but if you end the story here then I don't exist anymore.























Fuck.

6. "Tell A Story That Begins With A Ransom Note."

To whom it may concern,

I have kidnapped a woman and I am going to kill her.

If that concerns you, please read carefully.

The fact that you are reading this means that you are either in or around Time Square, as that is where I dropped this note. The date at the time I dropped it was February 23, 2015. It may have taken a matter of days for you to pick this up, or a matter of seconds. Either way, it does not matter.

I am located at the Manhattan Auto Repair Shop on the corner of West 45th Street and 11th Avenue, five blocks from where you are right now. I have the woman tied to a chair in a backroom and I am waiting patiently for someone to come claim her. As you are the person who picked up this note, that "someone" has now effectively become you.

I have decided to keep this woman alive for one week, that is until March 2, 2015. You will have until then to come claim her. If you do not come by that appointed date, then she will die. For every day that you waste, she will lose a body part.

If you call the police and they show up to the shop, she will die. If you come and bring anybody with you, then she will die.

If you come by yourself, as I would ask that you do, I will not harm the woman anymore and I will not harm you. Both of you will simply walk away.

Now the question comes of what it is that I want, to which I answer with a simple response:

Nothing.

I do not want anything out of this situation. I do not want any kind of monetary reward for this woman's life nor any kind of material object.

What I want is to see if you will come.

If there is no woman, which is a thought that I am sure has crossed your mind, and this whole note is just a pack of lies, then you may drop the letter and continue about your day. However, in the off chance that this is real, which I assure you it is, then come March 2nd, you will be alive and she will be dead, and you will wonder whether or not you contributed to the murder of an innocent person.

If you want to know anything about this woman that you are sacrificing so little for, then I can tell you that she is not anyone special. She is middle-aged, average looking, and she does not exude confidence or any other qualities of note. She is just a random woman. Someone who I picked off the street. The same way that I could have picked you. Or your mother. Or your daughter.

What I can tell you about myself is that I do this regularly. If you do not come to this woman's aid then she will be the ninth woman that I have had to kill in the past six months. Something else that I can tell you is that I do not enjoy doing this. However, I continue due to the hope that in my persistence, someone will show me that the human race does still have some humanity to it.


So, I leave you with this choice: Drop whatever you are doing and come possibly save a life, or lay down this note and silently hope that someone braver than you picks it up next.

Whatever you decide, it is a choice that you will have to live with. But please decide quickly.

The woman wants to live.

5. "The Worst Thanksgiving Dish You've Ever Had."

Yams.

4. "You're An Astronaut. Describe Your Perfect Day."

Well this is pretty unlikely but this is my perfect day.

It starts with me staring at the sun. That may seem like a bad idea to some of you but we've got some pretty sweet sunglasses up here. Plus it's kind of weird not to have sunrises or sunsets, because in space the sun is just always there. But being the old fashioned guy that I am, I like to check out the sun when I wake up and again right before I go to bed.

Anyways, after my little artificial sunrise, I usually go to breakfast. However, on this particular day, breakfast is a little different. For those of you who have ever tried "astronaut ice cream" or any of that other "astronaut" food, you probably think it tastes like shit. Well try eating nothing but that stuff for two years straight. You almost start to hate yourself for getting used to this powder-ized form of manure.

So, when I go to breakfast this day and I open up my little packet of powder-ized Cheerios, I raise it to my lips but don't quite make it there.

I notice this crazy bright light coming from one of our windows and I go over to check it out.

It's a ship! It's actually an intelligent form of life that the human race has never encountered before! These are alien lifeforms whose sheer existence is something that will change history forever!

Their ship approaches mine and I go to decompress the loading dock. Their ship attaches to mine and I open my doors.

In walk these two things. And they're not like you expect.

They're not little green men with giant black eyes. In fact it's hard really to call them aliens at all. Because I recognize them as cheeseburgers.

They're just giant cheeseburgers moving around. Like, it seems like they have some kind of brain or sentience at least since they can move, but they're just burgers.

They also have telepathy as I quickly find out, and they tell me to take a bite out of one of them. Apparently that's the polite way to say hello where they're from.

I, being so old fashioned, hate to be rude, so I take a nice little bite out of the one on the right. It's so delicious...

And to my surprise, when I look back, the bite I took out of it replenished itself. They regenerate!

These guys are just ever-lasting cheeseburgers!

They take me onto their ship and introduce me to the rest of their crew. And I am not disappointed.

Not only are some of them cheeseburgers, but some are hotdogs, slices of pizza, shit their pilot is a bon-bon! Apparently where they're from they don't have races. They just have different dishes. They explain that to me instantaneously through their mind-speak or whatever. These are some pretty talented cheeseburgers we're talking about.

I bring them onto my ship and show them the crap I've been eating for all these years and they instantly show me pity. They tell me that I can go live with them if I want and we can travel the skies together and I can take as many bites out of all of them as I want.

I debate whether or not this is a good idea. I barely know these guys and I don't really know what they're planning. For all I know they might want to do some kind of weird science experiment on me or something...

But hell, I like science! And there's no way I'm eating anymore of this powdered ass.

So I hop aboard their ship and they take me away. They give me my own private room with a king-sized bed (I slept on a metal bunk before) and I have a window where I can always see the sun. They hook me up with what I think is a roommate, but turns out to just be an actual giant sundae that they've made for me, and I smile from ear to ear.

I check out the sun as I lay on my bed, and I spoon away at my giant sundae while I think about all the adventures I'm going to have in my new incredible life...

Shut up. I think it's cool.

3. "A Houseplant Is Dying. Tell It Why It Needs To Live."

Hey, c'mon man. You've got a lot of things goin' for you, ya know? Like I mean you're still lookin' a little green in the stem. That's a good thing. And hey! Remember when my mom first brought you home from Osh, and how happy she was? She said that you reminded her of the flowers that my grandma used to have in her garden. Those big beautiful purple ones, you know? Like yeah, I mean you're a little smaller and were never quite as purple, but like... you're still good. In your own way.

Like you're your own plant, you know? Like who cares if there are other bigger, more vibrant plants out there? You're perfect because you're exactly the way you are. No other plant in the world is as you as you are.

I mean I know that sometimes being you isn't all that appealing, but being me isn't all that great either sometimes. Even Donald Trump has to deal with people calling his hair stupid, but that guy's still got a pretty good life.

So don't worry about what people say about you man. Sure you're not the brightest flower on the window sill, but what's important is that you're the brightest flower to yourself. Keep your stem up and face the world proudly. You've got a lot to live for out here and you've brought a lot of joy to a lot of people's lives. And I'm not just talkin' about me and my family. That guy who walks down the street with the French beret on everyday always stares at you through the window, and that lady who walks her dog, Buffy? Hell, Buffy tried to eat you one time cuz he thought you looked so appealing. Remember that?

Arite, sorry. Didn't mean to bring up a bad memory. But what I'm saying is that people care about you. And dogs too. And if you stick around I'll water you everyday and I'll make sure to always tell you how beautiful you are.

What? I mean no, I'm not gay either, I just thought you'd like to be called beautiful. If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it. You don't have to freak out about it.

But do we have a deal? Cuz I want you around man. You make the house smell better. And I think Buffy and Frenchy would be at a real loss if they didn't have you around anymore. So what do you say man?

Life?

2. "What Can Happen in a Moment?"

The beginning of an adventure.
-The moment he presents the ring.

The creation of a memory.
-The moment she says "yes."

The confirmation of love.
-The moment he says "I do."

A cause for excitement.
-The moment she says "I'm pregnant."

A new beginning.
-"You're hired."

The end of that beginning.
-"You're fired."

A new understanding of love.
-The moment she's born.

A shot of disappointment.
-"We'll call you."

And further disappointment.
-"We'll let you know."

A shot of desperation.
-The moment he enlists.

The moment the world begins to crumble.
-The moment he kisses them goodbye.




A reason to smile.
-The moment his name appears on the caller ID.

A reason to laugh.
-The moment she finds his old yearbook pictures.

A reason to wish you were there.
-The moment she says "Dada."

The opening of a wound.
-The moment he loses a friend.

The changing of a man.
-The moment he takes his first life.

A reason to worry.
-The moment he stops calling.

The loss of hope.
-"I surrender"




The end of a life.
-The moment his heart beats its last.

The end of the world.
-The moment she's handed the flag.

The end of the universe.
-The moment she says "Where's Dada?"

1. "Write Facebook Status Updates For The Year 2017"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Damn, it really hasn't been that long since 2015, huh."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"My life is almost exactly the same as it was two years ago. Smh."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Just got a new car! Doesn't fly yet."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Wonder if this is the year the Cubs win the World Series. Lol"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Shouts out to me for finishing my 642nd blog entry like 3 months ago."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Havin' a female president's actually pretty chill."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"#BillForVP"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"On set of Transformers 6!!! I'm gettin' people's lunches, but still cool."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"I <3 LA"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Just drove up to Isla Vista for the weekend. #Mistakes"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Just drove down to Mexico for the weekend. #Mistakes"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Just reheated top ramen. #PoorPeopleStuff"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Think about this. Somewhere there's a kid who was born on new year's day of the year 2000. So every new year tells him how old he is. He's 17 right now. And from now on, no matter where you are, you can think of this kid and know exactly how old he is just by checking the date on your phone. You probably can't even remember how old some of your family members' are right off the bat, but you now know the exact age of this complete and total stranger. In a way, you now have a connection with this kid, but you've never met him. You've only read a status about him from someone else who has never met him. But he really does exist, and you really do know how old he is, and you really are thinking about him right now. #thoughts"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Can't believe Hillary got caught in a sex scandal. #SheDidNotHaveSexualRelationsWithThatMan"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Throwback to my first blog post. I liked that one."