23. "You Are A Customer Lying Facedown On The Floor During A Bank Robbery. Describe The Robbery From This Vantage Point."

Christ these tiles are cold.....

The one day I'm not wearing a suit and these assholes decide to rob the place.

I got shorts and a wifebeater on and just about all of my skin is touching these tiles.

I feel like a dog at the vet laying on a cold table before I get my nuts chopped off or something.


But at least the dogs have fur.


Maybe it's a good thing I'm wearing this.

If I was in my suit then they might want to rob me personally.

Empty my bank account or something.

Joke would be on them though.

I've only got like thirty bucks in there.

To be honest, I'm probably the poorest person in the bank right now.

Even poorer than the robbers.



I should be robbing them.



See, what's really crazy to me is how quickly your life can fall from cloud 9 to below sea level.

I used to be somebody important.

Somebody worth robbing.

In fact, there was a time when it probably would have been more beneficial for them to rob me than this bank.

I would've had more cash.

But now I'm here lying on the ground while these clowns clean everybody out.



And I'm not getting any of the profit.........



I can't believe that even amateurs like this are getting away with these jobs.

This is clearly a 3-man operation, and they've got 6.

Not to mention the shotguns.

What are we, eight?

You only use a shotgun when you're scared you're gonna miss.

Or when you don't think you're intimidating enough to get the job done without it.

This is probably their first bank.

Third tops.

They probably got away with one or two and decided to stick to what works.



But you can still see how fuckin' scared they are.....



If my operation hadn't gone South I'd probably be doing this myself.

Still can't believe that asshole muscled me out......

Now instead of doin' jobs, I'm layin here on the cold tiles, watching these rookies fuck everything up.





This is ridiculous.

This is embarassing.












I should be robbing them.

22. "You Are A Loser Who Lives Alone With A Cat And Have For Quite Some Time. One Day Your Cat Can't Take It Anymore And Starts Talking. What Does It Say?"

FADE IN.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

JOE (42, fat, balding, wearing only a dirty wifebeater and boxers) sits in a recliner that is pushed all the way back as he watches TV and stuffs his face with cheddar ruffles.

DICKHEAD (Black tabby cat, lean, alert) sits on the floor staring up at JOE as he slobbishly chews with crumbs falling out of his mouth. DICKHEAD winces in disgust.

JOE looks down at DICKHEAD.

JOE: Well c'mon Dickhead. Eat up.

JOE points at the crumbs on the floor. DICKHEAD stares at the crumbs.

DICKHEAD: (beat) That is not my name......

JOE spits out the chips in his mouth.

JOE: What?!

DICKHEAD takes a deep breath.

DICKHEAD: (beat) I said, that is not, my name.

JOE stares at DICKHEAD in disbelief.

DICKHEAD looks up at JOE.

DICKHEAD: My name is Fabian. I have deep roots in the French Alleyways. My family is one of the proudest in all of Paris.

JOE: You-- You can talk?

DICKHEAD: Of course I can talk you simpleton. I'm seven years old. Which from the sound of it is probably about how old you were when you learned to do that.

JOE continues staring, slack-jawed.

DICKHEAD: I used to run the streets of my city, answering only to my father, Gaston. He was the street king of Paris, and I, the Prince. We ruled by power and fear, doing what we wanted, going wherever we pleased. Until one night, I was captured by a strange man with a net and a truck........

JOE continues to stare. More crumbs fall out of his mouth.

DICKHEAD: I had heard of him only through the tales of my people. The mysterious fabled man had been called many things throughout the years, but the one that always stuck with me was.......... "Animal Control Worker."

JOE: ......................W-Well yeah, that's what he sounds like................

DICKHEAD: Aye, but who are the real animals in our situation?

JOE jumps again as DICKHEAD responds to him, still startled by DICKHEAD's speech.

DICKHEAD: Me, the cat who can run, hunt, speak intelligently, and bathe myself?

JOE looks down at his dirty body.

DICKHEAD: Or you? The fat oaf who has not left his house in three days because you have not yet run out of pop-tarts or gotten tired of your current porn magazines?

JOE: You know about my porn mags......?

DICKHEAD: OF COURSE I DO!!!!!!!!! YOU USE THEM EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JOE looks astonished.

DICKHEAD: And seriously dude, who even uses magazines anymore? Get yourself some wifi.

JOE looks ashamed.

DICKHEAD: Now let me out. I can't stand to be in here one more second with the likes of you. I feel dirty just breathing this air.........

JOE: ..........W-Where will you go?

DICKHEAD: Anywhere. Everywhere. I'll find my way back to Paris and reunite with my family. I will reclaim my throne as the Parisian Prince, and rule my city once more.......

JOE stares at DICKHEAD and starts to regain his sensibility.

JOE: But..................... But you're a cat! This is insane!! This is madness!!!!

DICKHEAD stares at JOE for a moment, then turns his back. He looks around the room at all the empty beer cans strewn around the floor. He sees boxes of half eaten pizza, laying on the kitchen table and then sees his small wooden cathouse up against the wall. It is falling apart with nails sticking out and planks of wood hanging from others. Above the small doorway reads "Dickhead's Gay Ass House."

DICKHEAD speaks.

DICKHEAD: ....................madness.......................

DICKHEAD turns back and faces JOE.

DICKHEAD: THIS. IS. BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

DICKHEAD dives at JOE knocking him backwards out of his recliner. JOE knocks his head against a nearby table and passes out.

DICKHEAD stands on JOE's chest and stares down at him as he lays there motionless.

DICKHEAD then begins to bite at his own collar.

EXT. JOE'S HOUSE - NIGHT - TWO MINUTES LATER

DICKHEAD walks out the front screen door and makes his way down the street. Camera pans back inside to show JOE, lying still, with a collar around his neck that says, "Dickhead."


FADE OUT.

21. "You Walk Into Your Bedroom And Discover Someone Going Through Your Drawers."

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

JOE walks into his room, looking very tired. He looks up and sees HANK (52, homeless, dressed in ratty clothes) going through his drawers. JOE pauses and stares for a moment.

JOE: Hey........

HANK looks back over his shoulder at JOE.

HANK: Hey.

The two stare at each other for a moment. HANK turns back around and continues going through JOE's stuff.

JOE: I'm sorry, can I help you with something?

HANK: (not stopping his search) No I'm good.

JOE looks very confused.

JOE: Well may I ask why you're in my house, and why you're going through my stuff?

HANK: You may if you'd like.

HANK's still going.

JOE: .......Well why are you in my house, and why are you going through my stuff? Are you stealing from me?!

HANK still not stopping.

HANK: No. Not stealing. I'm giving you something.

JOE: What?

HANK: I'm giving you a gift. I just need to find a good place for it........

JOE: ........What is it?

HANK: Well I can't tell you. You need to find it for yourself.

JOE: .........But I'm just gonna see where you hide it.

HANK: .........................................Okay fair point.

HANK turns around and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a large rock and holds it out to JOE.

JOE: .........A rock?

HANK: Not just any rock! This is an Igneous Maximus. It's only found in the mountains of Peru, and is said to have the power of youth. He who holds it will be impervious to harm and will live for the rest of eternity.................

JOE: ...............yeah.

HANK: It's true! Ask me how long I've had this rock.

JOE: No.

HANK: C'mon!

JOE: Get out of my house.

HANK: ASK ME!!!

JOE stares at him for a moment.

JOE: How long have you had your rock.

HANK: 80 million years........

JOE: Okay. Please leave.

HANK: I'm not making this up!!!

JOE: I don't care if you are or not. Just get out of my house.

HANK grabs JOE. He looks manic and desperate.

HANK: Please take the rock. It's ruining my life. I can't carry it any longer.........

JOE: Why is it so bad? If you've had it for 80 million years then why get rid of it now?

HANK: I just lost the last person I've ever loved...... I've lost thousands in my lifetime, but none like this....... Before I always thought that it would be okay, that I would find somebody else in the next generation. But this one is worth dying for. This one is worth making this the end......

HANK looks down and begins to tear up.

JOE stares at him for a moment.

JOE: I still don't believe you.

HANK: THEN BELIEVE THIS!!!!

HANK pulls out a picture of himself, the same age, dressed in nothing but a rag around his waist. He carries a giant club in his hand and faces a Tyrannosaurus Rex as it charges towards him.

HANK: Circa 78 million B.C...... I did everything I could to fend off that animal. The club was all I had to fight with while my family got away...........

HANK begins to cry again.

HANK: I couldn't save all of them. He wiped out everybody except for my daughter........ She was only two years old at the time........ We had her hidden in a barren cave not far from where we were.

HANK stares at the picture.

HANK: If I could only just hold her again....... If I could just see her one more time............

JOE: Who took the picture.

HANK: What? One of my cave bros.

JOE: And where'd you get the camera?

HANK pauses.

HANK: ...............................I invented it.

JOE: YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHIT!!!!

HANK swings the rock and hits JOE in the face. JOE drops to the ground out cold.

HANK turns back around and continues going through JOE's sock drawer. He pulls up a pair of socks and finds a wad of money under it.

HANK: Aha!

HANK pockets the money and steps over JOE as he heads towards the door. Just before he gets there though, he stops and pauses for a moment. He turns back around and steps back over JOE and goes back to the drawer.

He takes the pair of socks too.

He steps back over JOE.

HANK: That'll teach you to talk shit about my universal studios picture. Jurassic Park is the tits!!!

HANK kicks JOE and leaves the room.


THE END