14. "Describe An Electronic Device In The Future That You Won't Know How To Operate."

FADE IN.

EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT

JOE stands staring upwards. He looks amazed.

JOE: What is it...?

OPTIMUS PRIME (OFF SCREEN): We call it the Allspark.

JOE and OPTIMUS are seen staring at a great cube, 30 feet tall and 30 feet wide. It has cracks in it that glow with a great blue light.

JOE: .....How does it work?

OPTIMUS: What?

JOE: How does it work?

OPTIMUS: Oh. I don't know.

JOE: What?

OPTIMUS: I said I don't know.

JOE turns towards OPTIMUS.

JOE: What do you mean you don't know?!

OPTIMUS: I'm not sure how I can be much clearer about that.....

JOE: Isn't this your object? Your piece of technology that you brought from your planet?

OPTIMUS: Hey, I didn't bring it. It just landed here.

JOE: SO?! It's still your race's technology! Shouldn't you know a little something about it?

OPTIMUS: Hey, this is advanced even for us. Who do you think I am? Albert Prime-stein?
(beat)
..............Hehehe

JOE and OPTIMUS stare at each other.

OPTIMUS: C'mon that was pretty good.

JOE: Shut up. How are we supposed to use this thing to save the world if we don't even know how it works?

OPTIUMS: I don't know. Just kinda start fidgeting with it I guess.

JOE: ................You wanna fidget with an object that you told me first hand has the power to destroy universes? To take entire species of life and erase them as if they never existed?

OPTIMUS: .......................................................Well I mean what do you wanna do?

JOE stares at OPTIMUS looking angry, but stumped.


EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT - FIVE MINUTES LATER

OPTIMUS holds JOE up towards one of the cracks as JOE peers in from the outside.

OPTIMUS: Just touch something.

JOE: Shut up.

OPTIMUS: Just poke it!

JOE: Shut up!! I'm trying to see if I can see anything useful.

OPTIMUS: Well you're not gonna see anything like that. You gotta get a closer look.

JOE: And how do you suppose I do that?

OPTIMUS: Just stick your head inside and peer around the walls. There should be some markings in there that could give us a clue as to how it works.

JOE: No!! What if this thing disintegrates anything that goes inside or something?

OPTIMUS: Well that seems highly unlikely. Why would they make a thing with cracks in it if whatever went in the cracks got disintegrated? You gotta give our engineers a little more credit than that.

JOE: It could be a defense mechanism. We have no idea how this thing works.

OPTIMUS: Joe, you're being paranoid. Just look inside and see if you can see any markings. If you do, tell me what they look like and I should be able to translate them into something useful.

JOE: What makes you think there's even going to be anything useful in there?

OPTIMUS: You know how you humans have tags on the insides of your shirts? They give you information about what the shirt is made out of, where it was made, and what company made it? Our technology is the same way. So if I can find out a little more about the cube, then I might be able to figure out how to work it. Understand?

JOE: ......Yeah I guess......

OPTIMUS: Good. Then get to it.

JOE stares at the cube and hesitates.

JOE: .........I'm still just not 100% comfortable with this.

OPTIMUS: Joe, you can peer in there and possibly get disintegrated, or you can wait for Megatron to destroy your entire planet. In which case, you'll be disintegrated anyway, along with everyone you have ever known or loved.

JOE: Okay.......... You're right.

JOE turns back towards the cube. The blue glow lights up his face as he stares.

He takes a deep breath and plunges his head into the crack.

There is a giant alien turd in front of him that was hiding behind the bright blue light.

JOE pulls his head out immediately.

OPTIMUS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JOE coughs profusely and tries to breathe.

OPTIMUS: That's an alien toilet dude. There's a giant hole on the top that I didn't let you see.

JOE: But-- But what about Megatron?!?

OPTIMUS: Haha, that's my baby cousin man. He's back on our planet probably playin' with a binky or something.

JOE: You're an asshole!!!

OPTIMUS: Haha I know.

OPTIMUS transforms into a spaceship and flies off into the distance.

OPTIMUS: Tell Mike I said what's gooooooooooooooooooooood!


FADE OUT.