4. "You're An Astronaut. Describe Your Perfect Day."

Well this is pretty unlikely but this is my perfect day.

It starts with me staring at the sun. That may seem like a bad idea to some of you but we've got some pretty sweet sunglasses up here. Plus it's kind of weird not to have sunrises or sunsets, because in space the sun is just always there. But being the old fashioned guy that I am, I like to check out the sun when I wake up and again right before I go to bed.

Anyways, after my little artificial sunrise, I usually go to breakfast. However, on this particular day, breakfast is a little different. For those of you who have ever tried "astronaut ice cream" or any of that other "astronaut" food, you probably think it tastes like shit. Well try eating nothing but that stuff for two years straight. You almost start to hate yourself for getting used to this powder-ized form of manure.

So, when I go to breakfast this day and I open up my little packet of powder-ized Cheerios, I raise it to my lips but don't quite make it there.

I notice this crazy bright light coming from one of our windows and I go over to check it out.

It's a ship! It's actually an intelligent form of life that the human race has never encountered before! These are alien lifeforms whose sheer existence is something that will change history forever!

Their ship approaches mine and I go to decompress the loading dock. Their ship attaches to mine and I open my doors.

In walk these two things. And they're not like you expect.

They're not little green men with giant black eyes. In fact it's hard really to call them aliens at all. Because I recognize them as cheeseburgers.

They're just giant cheeseburgers moving around. Like, it seems like they have some kind of brain or sentience at least since they can move, but they're just burgers.

They also have telepathy as I quickly find out, and they tell me to take a bite out of one of them. Apparently that's the polite way to say hello where they're from.

I, being so old fashioned, hate to be rude, so I take a nice little bite out of the one on the right. It's so delicious...

And to my surprise, when I look back, the bite I took out of it replenished itself. They regenerate!

These guys are just ever-lasting cheeseburgers!

They take me onto their ship and introduce me to the rest of their crew. And I am not disappointed.

Not only are some of them cheeseburgers, but some are hotdogs, slices of pizza, shit their pilot is a bon-bon! Apparently where they're from they don't have races. They just have different dishes. They explain that to me instantaneously through their mind-speak or whatever. These are some pretty talented cheeseburgers we're talking about.

I bring them onto my ship and show them the crap I've been eating for all these years and they instantly show me pity. They tell me that I can go live with them if I want and we can travel the skies together and I can take as many bites out of all of them as I want.

I debate whether or not this is a good idea. I barely know these guys and I don't really know what they're planning. For all I know they might want to do some kind of weird science experiment on me or something...

But hell, I like science! And there's no way I'm eating anymore of this powdered ass.

So I hop aboard their ship and they take me away. They give me my own private room with a king-sized bed (I slept on a metal bunk before) and I have a window where I can always see the sun. They hook me up with what I think is a roommate, but turns out to just be an actual giant sundae that they've made for me, and I smile from ear to ear.

I check out the sun as I lay on my bed, and I spoon away at my giant sundae while I think about all the adventures I'm going to have in my new incredible life...

Shut up. I think it's cool.

3. "A Houseplant Is Dying. Tell It Why It Needs To Live."

Hey, c'mon man. You've got a lot of things goin' for you, ya know? Like I mean you're still lookin' a little green in the stem. That's a good thing. And hey! Remember when my mom first brought you home from Osh, and how happy she was? She said that you reminded her of the flowers that my grandma used to have in her garden. Those big beautiful purple ones, you know? Like yeah, I mean you're a little smaller and were never quite as purple, but like... you're still good. In your own way.

Like you're your own plant, you know? Like who cares if there are other bigger, more vibrant plants out there? You're perfect because you're exactly the way you are. No other plant in the world is as you as you are.

I mean I know that sometimes being you isn't all that appealing, but being me isn't all that great either sometimes. Even Donald Trump has to deal with people calling his hair stupid, but that guy's still got a pretty good life.

So don't worry about what people say about you man. Sure you're not the brightest flower on the window sill, but what's important is that you're the brightest flower to yourself. Keep your stem up and face the world proudly. You've got a lot to live for out here and you've brought a lot of joy to a lot of people's lives. And I'm not just talkin' about me and my family. That guy who walks down the street with the French beret on everyday always stares at you through the window, and that lady who walks her dog, Buffy? Hell, Buffy tried to eat you one time cuz he thought you looked so appealing. Remember that?

Arite, sorry. Didn't mean to bring up a bad memory. But what I'm saying is that people care about you. And dogs too. And if you stick around I'll water you everyday and I'll make sure to always tell you how beautiful you are.

What? I mean no, I'm not gay either, I just thought you'd like to be called beautiful. If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it. You don't have to freak out about it.

But do we have a deal? Cuz I want you around man. You make the house smell better. And I think Buffy and Frenchy would be at a real loss if they didn't have you around anymore. So what do you say man?

Life?

2. "What Can Happen in a Moment?"

The beginning of an adventure.
-The moment he presents the ring.

The creation of a memory.
-The moment she says "yes."

The confirmation of love.
-The moment he says "I do."

A cause for excitement.
-The moment she says "I'm pregnant."

A new beginning.
-"You're hired."

The end of that beginning.
-"You're fired."

A new understanding of love.
-The moment she's born.

A shot of disappointment.
-"We'll call you."

And further disappointment.
-"We'll let you know."

A shot of desperation.
-The moment he enlists.

The moment the world begins to crumble.
-The moment he kisses them goodbye.




A reason to smile.
-The moment his name appears on the caller ID.

A reason to laugh.
-The moment she finds his old yearbook pictures.

A reason to wish you were there.
-The moment she says "Dada."

The opening of a wound.
-The moment he loses a friend.

The changing of a man.
-The moment he takes his first life.

A reason to worry.
-The moment he stops calling.

The loss of hope.
-"I surrender"




The end of a life.
-The moment his heart beats its last.

The end of the world.
-The moment she's handed the flag.

The end of the universe.
-The moment she says "Where's Dada?"

1. "Write Facebook Status Updates For The Year 2017"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Damn, it really hasn't been that long since 2015, huh."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"My life is almost exactly the same as it was two years ago. Smh."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Just got a new car! Doesn't fly yet."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Wonder if this is the year the Cubs win the World Series. Lol"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Shouts out to me for finishing my 642nd blog entry like 3 months ago."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Havin' a female president's actually pretty chill."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"#BillForVP"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"On set of Transformers 6!!! I'm gettin' people's lunches, but still cool."

Joe Haze Arciniega
"I <3 LA"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Just drove up to Isla Vista for the weekend. #Mistakes"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Just drove down to Mexico for the weekend. #Mistakes"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Just reheated top ramen. #PoorPeopleStuff"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Think about this. Somewhere there's a kid who was born on new year's day of the year 2000. So every new year tells him how old he is. He's 17 right now. And from now on, no matter where you are, you can think of this kid and know exactly how old he is just by checking the date on your phone. You probably can't even remember how old some of your family members' are right off the bat, but you now know the exact age of this complete and total stranger. In a way, you now have a connection with this kid, but you've never met him. You've only read a status about him from someone else who has never met him. But he really does exist, and you really do know how old he is, and you really are thinking about him right now. #thoughts"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Can't believe Hillary got caught in a sex scandal. #SheDidNotHaveSexualRelationsWithThatMan"

Joe Haze Arciniega
"Throwback to my first blog post. I liked that one."