20. "You Are A Fifty-Three-Year-Old Woman Living In Chicago. Write a Letter To Santa."

Dear Santa,

My name is Patricia Milligan. You may remember me from my letter in '68 when I asked you for a unicorn with heart-shaped eyes, a little pink saddle, and a long daisy chain that I could use for reigns. I believe on that list I also asked for a Barbie Dream House, a Bakery Betty's Playtime Oven, and an original "Princess Patricia" tiara that had my name written across it with flower-shaped jewels covering the whole thing.




Well this year I need a gun.




I know it's a little unorthodox, but there's been some crazy shit going on in my neighborhood.

I'm from an area that most people know as Chicago, where you're supposed to be able to go take a picture with a giant bean or feast on some deep-dish pizza that was originated in this very city. However, I am afraid to even step outside of my home anymore, because I no longer live in Chicago.

I live in "Chi-raq."

For years the gangsters and hoodrats have been pushing their territorial lines closer and closer to my part of town. For a long time, Chi-raq was held to just a few block radius where ignorant individuals could shoot and blow each other up all they wanted. However, within the last few weeks I have noticed more and more "street soldiers" walking down my block.

My streets are now lined with everything from menaces to murderers. Within the last week I have witnessed at least 63 felonies. I have tried to contact the authorities, but they never show up. I simply receive graffiti on my kitchen window that says, "Stop Snitchin."

I do not normally resort to violence, but I believe that it is time to take matters into my own hands. I would ask that you leave a nice big gun under my tree this year with at least 10,000 rounds of ammo and a full manual on how to use all of it.

I am also going to include that unicorn on my list again, as I believe it may be useful for cavalry style assaults.

I hope this letter reaches you safely, and I pray that the North Pole remains safer than these dirty dirty streets here.

God bless America, and God help Chi-raq.

Sincerley,
-Princess Patricia.




P.S. Throw in that tiara too. That would be dope.