I sneezed a while back.
It wasn't my proudest moment.
It was in the middle of a press conference.
With the president.
And it was a big sneeze.
Like a really big one.
One of those where a whole head-full of snot comes flying out of your nose.
I was a journalist.
And I was sitting in the front row when it happened.
I remember it like it was in slow motion.
The president was saying something about the global economy or whatever.
And I couldn't listen anymore.
I started to get that tingling feeling you get at the tip of your nose that starts to kind of travel back towards your brain right before you're about to sneeze.
I took a deep breath and that triggered it.
I sneezed.
And the president noticed.
He looked over at me and saw my face.
The snot was flying towards him.
He looked at me,
then looked at the snot, still airborne,
then looked me dead in the eyes,
as the snot landed directly on his face.
He stopped speaking.
I kind of blacked out at that point so I didn't know exactly what the quote was until I saw it later on the news, but it turns out that right then, he said, "...and as I try to fix our situation with the national GDP, I look forward to the upcoming-- *snot hits his face* *he pauses* *he looks at me*
"............................................................Are you f***ing s****ing me?"
.
The republicans had a field day with it.
The president's outburst was all over Fox News.
Democratic stations tried to defend him, saying that, "are you f***ing s****ing me," was a perfectly reasonable response to the direct shot of the projectile sneeze.
Anyone who was so horridly mucus-ssaulted (that was what they were calling it) would react exactly the same way.
The democrats said that whoever sneezed was probably a terrorist.
The republicans said it was probably God.
Within weeks the president was impeached for his crude moment with the press.
The country would not stand behind a leader who reacted so crassly to what they saw as such a small situation.
But the president and I both knew it was not small.
There was a lot of snot.
Like a lot a lot.
The president was quick to point me out as the culprit of the devastating sneeze, and I quickly lost my job.
However, within days the republican party contacted me to say they wanted me to run as their future candidate.
They said I had done what they had all wanted to do for years.
They said I was just the only one with the guts to do it.
But I didn't have guts.
I just had allergies.
I'm the president now though.
So that's pretty cool.
I bought the old president a house as kind of an "I'm sorry" gift.
But I'm not really that sorry,
This all turned out pretty well for me.
And after all,
he could've just said,
"God Bless you."
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
18. "A Man Jumps From The Fortieth Story Of A Building. As He's Passing The Twenty-Eighth Floor, He Hears A Phone Ring And Regrets That He Jumped. Why?"
FADE IN.
EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY
CLARK stands at the edge of the roof, forty stories up, and stares down over the edge.
He checks his phone.
CLARK: (beat) She's not going to call.......
He looks over the edge again and stares at all of the traffic passing by below.
He stares for a moment and then drops his phone over the edge.
CLARK: It's useless. There's no point anymore. There's no point to anything........
He takes a step over and leans forward.
He falls effortlessly towards the ground.
He thinks to himself as he descends.
CLARK: I don't know why she wouldn't call. I feel like all in all I've been a pretty good guy. I might not be the most normal person ever born, but I deserve a chance.
As he falls he starts to count the stories that he passes by.
CLARK: 40, 39, 38, 37, 36.......
He stares at his watch as he falls.
CLARK: I wonder how long this is going to take me. Which I guess is another way of asking how long I have to live....... What a strange thought that is. I never really thought I would die like this...... But to be honest, I wasn't really sure that I would ever die at all........
CLARK continues counting.
CLARK: 35, 34, 33, 32, 31.......
CLARK peers into the windows that he passes by.
CLARK: This place was always kind of a dump. The people were decent, but the job was rather bland. If she didn't work here then I never would have even applied...... I could have been doing much better things with my time. In fact, I've done much better things with my time. I'm important. I could have been doing just about anything. But as far as I was concerned, if I was going to be doing anything without her, then it wasn't something that I was interested in doing. She was my everything. I wanted to give her the world......
CLARK stares at the ground below himself. It is getting closer.
CLARK: But here I am. Falling to my death. Because she didn't even have the decency to call. One of the greatest men to ever live and she couldn't even call......
CLARK starts counting again.
CLARK: 30, 29, 28.........
Suddenly CLARK hears a phone ring.
CLARK: Hey. That's coming from my office.......
The phone beeps and a woman's voice is heard.
VOICE: Hey Clark, this is Lois. Just wanted to make sure you got my message about dinner on Friday night. I would love to go with you. Just call me back when you can. Thanks! Bye.
CLARK: Oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, I gave her my work number........ My bad.
CLARK reaches into his pocket and pulls out a glowing green rock.
He hurls it down below himself with incredible speed and it puts a hole in the sidewalk below him.
CLARK slowly starts to fall slower and then stops all together, floating in midair.
He rips off his shirt and reveals the superman symbol beneath his clothes.
CLARK: Damn, and I thought she didn't like me.
CLARK blasts off into the sky and disappears into the clouds.
FADE OUT.
EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY
CLARK stands at the edge of the roof, forty stories up, and stares down over the edge.
He checks his phone.
CLARK: (beat) She's not going to call.......
He looks over the edge again and stares at all of the traffic passing by below.
He stares for a moment and then drops his phone over the edge.
CLARK: It's useless. There's no point anymore. There's no point to anything........
He takes a step over and leans forward.
He falls effortlessly towards the ground.
He thinks to himself as he descends.
CLARK: I don't know why she wouldn't call. I feel like all in all I've been a pretty good guy. I might not be the most normal person ever born, but I deserve a chance.
As he falls he starts to count the stories that he passes by.
CLARK: 40, 39, 38, 37, 36.......
He stares at his watch as he falls.
CLARK: I wonder how long this is going to take me. Which I guess is another way of asking how long I have to live....... What a strange thought that is. I never really thought I would die like this...... But to be honest, I wasn't really sure that I would ever die at all........
CLARK continues counting.
CLARK: 35, 34, 33, 32, 31.......
CLARK peers into the windows that he passes by.
CLARK: This place was always kind of a dump. The people were decent, but the job was rather bland. If she didn't work here then I never would have even applied...... I could have been doing much better things with my time. In fact, I've done much better things with my time. I'm important. I could have been doing just about anything. But as far as I was concerned, if I was going to be doing anything without her, then it wasn't something that I was interested in doing. She was my everything. I wanted to give her the world......
CLARK stares at the ground below himself. It is getting closer.
CLARK: But here I am. Falling to my death. Because she didn't even have the decency to call. One of the greatest men to ever live and she couldn't even call......
CLARK starts counting again.
CLARK: 30, 29, 28.........
Suddenly CLARK hears a phone ring.
CLARK: Hey. That's coming from my office.......
The phone beeps and a woman's voice is heard.
VOICE: Hey Clark, this is Lois. Just wanted to make sure you got my message about dinner on Friday night. I would love to go with you. Just call me back when you can. Thanks! Bye.
CLARK: Oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, I gave her my work number........ My bad.
CLARK reaches into his pocket and pulls out a glowing green rock.
He hurls it down below himself with incredible speed and it puts a hole in the sidewalk below him.
CLARK slowly starts to fall slower and then stops all together, floating in midair.
He rips off his shirt and reveals the superman symbol beneath his clothes.
CLARK: Damn, and I thought she didn't like me.
CLARK blasts off into the sky and disappears into the clouds.
FADE OUT.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
17. "You Are Looking Down Through The Skylight As Chefs Prepare Dinner For Your Ex-Wife's Wedding."
That's wrong.
She doesn't like parsley.
She thinks it's a stupid garnish.
She thinks all garnishes are stupid though.
She says it's like putting lipstick on a pig.
Or putting a crown on top of a pile of shit.
.........She's weird.
And also really cynical.
She's not really the nicest person.
Actually to be honest, she's kind of a bitch.
I try not to talk badly about people too often but I feel like I know her well enough to be confident in the fact that she's a bitch.
She called everything stupid all the time.
Including me.
To be honest I kinda feel bad for this new guy.
His name's Dick.
She's gonna have a field day with that one.
As if he didn't get enough shit throughout his life for having an awful fucking name, now he's marrying the woman who will exploit it more than anyone he's ever met.
His parents didn't even name him Richard.
Just Dick.
Maybe that's why she's marrying him.
So she has someone to torture.
Someone to ruin like she ruined me.
I hope she dies soon.
It's a bad thought but I can't say I'm not thinking it.
The world would be a better place.
And Dick would be a lot happier.
But here she is getting married, having the happiest day of her life.
Again.
And here I am literally looking in on her happiness from the outside.
These chefs are ridiculous.
Like a bunch of halfwits running around a room wearing big white hats and trying to accomplish a task that none of them are smart enough to do.
They're not making anything she likes.
Or at least not the way that she likes it.
Oh, and here she is.
Here to yell at them about what an awful job they're doing no doubt.
Yup.
She's doing her crazy face.
That "I'm so mad about this small matter that I might actually kill you" face.
I learned to avoid that one.
But these poor bastards have no choice.
It's their job to listen to her gripe, and then adhere to her griping, no matter what she gripes about.
But I guess that was my job as her husband too.
Funny how those things work out.
The world would really be better off if she was dead.
We don't need anymore gripers griping about un-gripe-worthy things.
We just need peace and quiet.
A little time to hear ourselves think before we shack up with the devil herself.
I would give anything to--
...........................Holy shit.
So I know you guys can't see this, but a meteor just flew past my head, broke through the skylight, and killed everyone in the room.
No shit.
That means she's dead.
She's gone.........
.........I Don't even know what to say...........
..................The food actually smells really good.
She doesn't like parsley.
She thinks it's a stupid garnish.
She thinks all garnishes are stupid though.
She says it's like putting lipstick on a pig.
Or putting a crown on top of a pile of shit.
.........She's weird.
And also really cynical.
She's not really the nicest person.
Actually to be honest, she's kind of a bitch.
I try not to talk badly about people too often but I feel like I know her well enough to be confident in the fact that she's a bitch.
She called everything stupid all the time.
Including me.
To be honest I kinda feel bad for this new guy.
His name's Dick.
She's gonna have a field day with that one.
As if he didn't get enough shit throughout his life for having an awful fucking name, now he's marrying the woman who will exploit it more than anyone he's ever met.
His parents didn't even name him Richard.
Just Dick.
Maybe that's why she's marrying him.
So she has someone to torture.
Someone to ruin like she ruined me.
I hope she dies soon.
It's a bad thought but I can't say I'm not thinking it.
The world would be a better place.
And Dick would be a lot happier.
But here she is getting married, having the happiest day of her life.
Again.
And here I am literally looking in on her happiness from the outside.
These chefs are ridiculous.
Like a bunch of halfwits running around a room wearing big white hats and trying to accomplish a task that none of them are smart enough to do.
They're not making anything she likes.
Or at least not the way that she likes it.
Oh, and here she is.
Here to yell at them about what an awful job they're doing no doubt.
Yup.
She's doing her crazy face.
That "I'm so mad about this small matter that I might actually kill you" face.
I learned to avoid that one.
But these poor bastards have no choice.
It's their job to listen to her gripe, and then adhere to her griping, no matter what she gripes about.
But I guess that was my job as her husband too.
Funny how those things work out.
The world would really be better off if she was dead.
We don't need anymore gripers griping about un-gripe-worthy things.
We just need peace and quiet.
A little time to hear ourselves think before we shack up with the devil herself.
I would give anything to--
...........................Holy shit.
So I know you guys can't see this, but a meteor just flew past my head, broke through the skylight, and killed everyone in the room.
No shit.
That means she's dead.
She's gone.........
.........I Don't even know what to say...........
..................The food actually smells really good.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
16. "What Could Have Happened To You In High School That Would Have Altered The Course Of Your Life?"
Okay, this one isn't even really creative writing, this is just me ranting.
I should've been high school quarterback.
My dad was his high school's quarterback, so he could've taught me everything he knew. I could have gone out with the head cheerleader, although at my school I'm not sure I would have wanted to, but what I'm saying is I could have had the classic American high school experience. I may not have dated the head cheerleader, but I'll be damned if I didn't have some kind of terrible, dysfunctional relationship with the hottest girl in school.
Plus, I think I would've been pretty good! My dad could've set up a tire hanging down from a tree in our backyard and I could've thrown balls through it, and then when I got really good I could swing it and then try to throw through it (apparently that was how he used to train). AND if I had played football then I probably would've worked out a lot more! Then I wouldn't be skinny!
Imagine if I had gone pro!!! Well, I guess at this point in my life I'd still be playing college ball, but I would fasho be gettin' looks from like every team in the NFL. I could be staring at a check for $100,000,000 right now and debating whether it was worth throwing my degree away.
Also though, I guess if I played football then I couldn't be at UCSB. We don't have a football team. I would've had to go to some school in the South probably............
But that would have been dope!!! I always say that if I didn't grow up in California I would've wanted to grow up in Texas, SPECIFICALLY FOR that all-American experience. I want to BBQ all the time and eat giant steaks, and have a Southern drawl, and wear a cowboy hat, and have everyone who's not from the South think I'm super nice cuz I practice Southern hospitality. Like I'm sure my idea of Texas that I just described isn't really anything like how it really is, but that's how I picture it so don't kill my dream.
The reason I didn't play ball in high school is because my parents wouldn't let me. My dad said that he got a few concussions when he played, and that it really just wasn't worth it to go out there. His advice was to stick to soccer.
I remember once he showed me a magazine article about some kid who got paralyzed during a play. He said, "You never think it's gonna happen to you, but it might."
I'm pretty sure I called that kid a pussy or something, but that's neither here nor there.
What is interesting though is that my dad could have been right. I could have gotten paralyzed if I played football, and in that case playing QB would have altered my life in a very different way. In fact, I'd probably be writing this post right now about what would have happened if I didn't play ball.
I could have gone to UCSB and become a writer. I could have made a bunch of friends who I know and love. I could have gone to the beach as much as my heart desired, and I could have had a completely happy life, if I just didn't play football.
So all in all, thank you Pop. I don't know what would have happened if I had played; maybe you'd be sitting on a $100,000,000 check right now (which I know you'd love you cheapskate) but what I do know is that I am perfectly happy with where my life is right now.
Thanks for helping make me who I am. I will always be grateful.
Also, sorry to the rest of you readers for the sappy family post. Imagine I ended it with, "...and then it was all a dream..." or something else crazy and entertaining.
I should've been high school quarterback.
My dad was his high school's quarterback, so he could've taught me everything he knew. I could have gone out with the head cheerleader, although at my school I'm not sure I would have wanted to, but what I'm saying is I could have had the classic American high school experience. I may not have dated the head cheerleader, but I'll be damned if I didn't have some kind of terrible, dysfunctional relationship with the hottest girl in school.
Plus, I think I would've been pretty good! My dad could've set up a tire hanging down from a tree in our backyard and I could've thrown balls through it, and then when I got really good I could swing it and then try to throw through it (apparently that was how he used to train). AND if I had played football then I probably would've worked out a lot more! Then I wouldn't be skinny!
Imagine if I had gone pro!!! Well, I guess at this point in my life I'd still be playing college ball, but I would fasho be gettin' looks from like every team in the NFL. I could be staring at a check for $100,000,000 right now and debating whether it was worth throwing my degree away.
Also though, I guess if I played football then I couldn't be at UCSB. We don't have a football team. I would've had to go to some school in the South probably............
But that would have been dope!!! I always say that if I didn't grow up in California I would've wanted to grow up in Texas, SPECIFICALLY FOR that all-American experience. I want to BBQ all the time and eat giant steaks, and have a Southern drawl, and wear a cowboy hat, and have everyone who's not from the South think I'm super nice cuz I practice Southern hospitality. Like I'm sure my idea of Texas that I just described isn't really anything like how it really is, but that's how I picture it so don't kill my dream.
The reason I didn't play ball in high school is because my parents wouldn't let me. My dad said that he got a few concussions when he played, and that it really just wasn't worth it to go out there. His advice was to stick to soccer.
I remember once he showed me a magazine article about some kid who got paralyzed during a play. He said, "You never think it's gonna happen to you, but it might."
I'm pretty sure I called that kid a pussy or something, but that's neither here nor there.
What is interesting though is that my dad could have been right. I could have gotten paralyzed if I played football, and in that case playing QB would have altered my life in a very different way. In fact, I'd probably be writing this post right now about what would have happened if I didn't play ball.
I could have gone to UCSB and become a writer. I could have made a bunch of friends who I know and love. I could have gone to the beach as much as my heart desired, and I could have had a completely happy life, if I just didn't play football.
So all in all, thank you Pop. I don't know what would have happened if I had played; maybe you'd be sitting on a $100,000,000 check right now (which I know you'd love you cheapskate) but what I do know is that I am perfectly happy with where my life is right now.
Thanks for helping make me who I am. I will always be grateful.
Also, sorry to the rest of you readers for the sappy family post. Imagine I ended it with, "...and then it was all a dream..." or something else crazy and entertaining.
15. "Write A Short Story That Is Set In Argentina In 1932, In Which A Teacup Plays A Crucial Role."
I'm a little tea cup.
I have no spout.
My mom the teapot had one, but it was broken off by the Argentinian rebels.
.............I'm sorry. There are no rebels here in 1932 Argentina. And my mom didn't lose her spout. She actually lives a pretty quiet life over in the kitchen. She does say from time to time though that I have an overly active imagination, and that I make stuff up too much...........
It's actually not 1932 either.
And we're not in Argentina.
Or maybe we are.
I'm not really sure.
I'm a teacup.
Or maybe I'm not.
I have no spout.
My mom the teapot had one, but it was broken off by the Argentinian rebels.
.............I'm sorry. There are no rebels here in 1932 Argentina. And my mom didn't lose her spout. She actually lives a pretty quiet life over in the kitchen. She does say from time to time though that I have an overly active imagination, and that I make stuff up too much...........
It's actually not 1932 either.
And we're not in Argentina.
Or maybe we are.
I'm not really sure.
I'm a teacup.
Or maybe I'm not.
Friday, March 13, 2015
14. "Describe An Electronic Device In The Future That You Won't Know How To Operate."
FADE IN.
EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT
JOE stands staring upwards. He looks amazed.
JOE: What is it...?
OPTIMUS PRIME (OFF SCREEN): We call it the Allspark.
JOE and OPTIMUS are seen staring at a great cube, 30 feet tall and 30 feet wide. It has cracks in it that glow with a great blue light.
JOE: .....How does it work?
OPTIMUS: What?
JOE: How does it work?
OPTIMUS: Oh. I don't know.
JOE: What?
OPTIMUS: I said I don't know.
JOE turns towards OPTIMUS.
JOE: What do you mean you don't know?!
OPTIMUS: I'm not sure how I can be much clearer about that.....
JOE: Isn't this your object? Your piece of technology that you brought from your planet?
OPTIMUS: Hey, I didn't bring it. It just landed here.
JOE: SO?! It's still your race's technology! Shouldn't you know a little something about it?
OPTIMUS: Hey, this is advanced even for us. Who do you think I am? Albert Prime-stein?
(beat)
..............Hehehe
JOE and OPTIMUS stare at each other.
OPTIMUS: C'mon that was pretty good.
JOE: Shut up. How are we supposed to use this thing to save the world if we don't even know how it works?
OPTIUMS: I don't know. Just kinda start fidgeting with it I guess.
JOE: ................You wanna fidget with an object that you told me first hand has the power to destroy universes? To take entire species of life and erase them as if they never existed?
OPTIMUS: .......................................................Well I mean what do you wanna do?
JOE stares at OPTIMUS looking angry, but stumped.
EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT - FIVE MINUTES LATER
OPTIMUS holds JOE up towards one of the cracks as JOE peers in from the outside.
OPTIMUS: Just touch something.
JOE: Shut up.
OPTIMUS: Just poke it!
JOE: Shut up!! I'm trying to see if I can see anything useful.
OPTIMUS: Well you're not gonna see anything like that. You gotta get a closer look.
JOE: And how do you suppose I do that?
OPTIMUS: Just stick your head inside and peer around the walls. There should be some markings in there that could give us a clue as to how it works.
JOE: No!! What if this thing disintegrates anything that goes inside or something?
OPTIMUS: Well that seems highly unlikely. Why would they make a thing with cracks in it if whatever went in the cracks got disintegrated? You gotta give our engineers a little more credit than that.
JOE: It could be a defense mechanism. We have no idea how this thing works.
OPTIMUS: Joe, you're being paranoid. Just look inside and see if you can see any markings. If you do, tell me what they look like and I should be able to translate them into something useful.
JOE: What makes you think there's even going to be anything useful in there?
OPTIMUS: You know how you humans have tags on the insides of your shirts? They give you information about what the shirt is made out of, where it was made, and what company made it? Our technology is the same way. So if I can find out a little more about the cube, then I might be able to figure out how to work it. Understand?
JOE: ......Yeah I guess......
OPTIMUS: Good. Then get to it.
JOE stares at the cube and hesitates.
JOE: .........I'm still just not 100% comfortable with this.
OPTIMUS: Joe, you can peer in there and possibly get disintegrated, or you can wait for Megatron to destroy your entire planet. In which case, you'll be disintegrated anyway, along with everyone you have ever known or loved.
JOE: Okay.......... You're right.
JOE turns back towards the cube. The blue glow lights up his face as he stares.
He takes a deep breath and plunges his head into the crack.
There is a giant alien turd in front of him that was hiding behind the bright blue light.
JOE pulls his head out immediately.
OPTIMUS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOE coughs profusely and tries to breathe.
OPTIMUS: That's an alien toilet dude. There's a giant hole on the top that I didn't let you see.
JOE: But-- But what about Megatron?!?
OPTIMUS: Haha, that's my baby cousin man. He's back on our planet probably playin' with a binky or something.
JOE: You're an asshole!!!
OPTIMUS: Haha I know.
OPTIMUS transforms into a spaceship and flies off into the distance.
OPTIMUS: Tell Mike I said what's gooooooooooooooooooooood!
FADE OUT.
EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT
JOE stands staring upwards. He looks amazed.
JOE: What is it...?
OPTIMUS PRIME (OFF SCREEN): We call it the Allspark.
JOE and OPTIMUS are seen staring at a great cube, 30 feet tall and 30 feet wide. It has cracks in it that glow with a great blue light.
JOE: .....How does it work?
OPTIMUS: What?
JOE: How does it work?
OPTIMUS: Oh. I don't know.
JOE: What?
OPTIMUS: I said I don't know.
JOE turns towards OPTIMUS.
JOE: What do you mean you don't know?!
OPTIMUS: I'm not sure how I can be much clearer about that.....
JOE: Isn't this your object? Your piece of technology that you brought from your planet?
OPTIMUS: Hey, I didn't bring it. It just landed here.
JOE: SO?! It's still your race's technology! Shouldn't you know a little something about it?
OPTIMUS: Hey, this is advanced even for us. Who do you think I am? Albert Prime-stein?
(beat)
..............Hehehe
JOE and OPTIMUS stare at each other.
OPTIMUS: C'mon that was pretty good.
JOE: Shut up. How are we supposed to use this thing to save the world if we don't even know how it works?
OPTIUMS: I don't know. Just kinda start fidgeting with it I guess.
JOE: ................You wanna fidget with an object that you told me first hand has the power to destroy universes? To take entire species of life and erase them as if they never existed?
OPTIMUS: .......................................................Well I mean what do you wanna do?
JOE stares at OPTIMUS looking angry, but stumped.
EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT - FIVE MINUTES LATER
OPTIMUS holds JOE up towards one of the cracks as JOE peers in from the outside.
OPTIMUS: Just touch something.
JOE: Shut up.
OPTIMUS: Just poke it!
JOE: Shut up!! I'm trying to see if I can see anything useful.
OPTIMUS: Well you're not gonna see anything like that. You gotta get a closer look.
JOE: And how do you suppose I do that?
OPTIMUS: Just stick your head inside and peer around the walls. There should be some markings in there that could give us a clue as to how it works.
JOE: No!! What if this thing disintegrates anything that goes inside or something?
OPTIMUS: Well that seems highly unlikely. Why would they make a thing with cracks in it if whatever went in the cracks got disintegrated? You gotta give our engineers a little more credit than that.
JOE: It could be a defense mechanism. We have no idea how this thing works.
OPTIMUS: Joe, you're being paranoid. Just look inside and see if you can see any markings. If you do, tell me what they look like and I should be able to translate them into something useful.
JOE: What makes you think there's even going to be anything useful in there?
OPTIMUS: You know how you humans have tags on the insides of your shirts? They give you information about what the shirt is made out of, where it was made, and what company made it? Our technology is the same way. So if I can find out a little more about the cube, then I might be able to figure out how to work it. Understand?
JOE: ......Yeah I guess......
OPTIMUS: Good. Then get to it.
JOE stares at the cube and hesitates.
JOE: .........I'm still just not 100% comfortable with this.
OPTIMUS: Joe, you can peer in there and possibly get disintegrated, or you can wait for Megatron to destroy your entire planet. In which case, you'll be disintegrated anyway, along with everyone you have ever known or loved.
JOE: Okay.......... You're right.
JOE turns back towards the cube. The blue glow lights up his face as he stares.
He takes a deep breath and plunges his head into the crack.
There is a giant alien turd in front of him that was hiding behind the bright blue light.
JOE pulls his head out immediately.
OPTIMUS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOE coughs profusely and tries to breathe.
OPTIMUS: That's an alien toilet dude. There's a giant hole on the top that I didn't let you see.
JOE: But-- But what about Megatron?!?
OPTIMUS: Haha, that's my baby cousin man. He's back on our planet probably playin' with a binky or something.
JOE: You're an asshole!!!
OPTIMUS: Haha I know.
OPTIMUS transforms into a spaceship and flies off into the distance.
OPTIMUS: Tell Mike I said what's gooooooooooooooooooooood!
FADE OUT.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
13. "Describe Yourself In The Third Person - Your Physical Appearance And Personality - As Though You Were A Character In A Book."
And then she saw him...
He was tall... -ish.
Like around 5'11".
Like not incredibly tall, but like, tall enough.
He wore white sneakers, dark blue jeans, a plain t shirt, and a light grey beanie tilted towards the back of his head. He had short brown hair that peaked out from the front, and he had it flipped up in a sort of faux-hawk type style.
She figured he may have studied film or something.
He glanced over at her and they made eye-contact.
Oh how deep his eyes were... Like two hazel colored plains that stretched into eternity.
He had a bit of stubble on his face - not so much that he looked unkempt, but just enough to tell people, "Hey I'm not fourteen anymore."
His smile was okay. No dimples, and his front teeth were probably a little more rounded than they should be, but nothing that she couldn't get over. His forehead was a normal size and his eyebrows were fairly fleek-like, so. Ya know. He had that goin' for him.
Body-wise, he was kinda skinny. Like not extremely skinny, but like, if he ever found her stuck under a car then she wouldn't exactly be expecting him to pick it up and save her. They'd both probably just start screaming for help. Which would be the smart thing to do though, cuz I mean, who's gonna lift a car on their own? It'd be much easier with help. If one person did it then they might accidentally drop it on her again before she could muster the strength to get up. And that would definitely kill her.
So he was smart. She assumed. And charming. Even though she hadn't heard him say anything yet.
He had a sort of confidence about him that she could tell just from the way he stood. He didn't have great posture, but it was his relaxed, nonchalant stance that gave off more of the "it's not a big deal" type of vibe. Not exactly the "I don't care about anything," vibe, but more just the, "don't worry about it, there are worse things," type of vibe. Very laid back.
He approached her and her heart started to race.
She had always wanted a laid back guy and now one was coming towards her.
What would he do? What would SHE do? As he got closer to her she tried not to sweat. She was sure that she was not giving off the laid back vibe...
He stood right in front of her and opened his mouth to speak...
"Yo, you know where the bathroom is?"
"Wha-- uh, yeah, back there."
"Dope. Thanks."
Then he left.
Whatever. His butt wasn't that great. And his shoulders weren't really super broad.
She hated him.
He was an asshole.
Guy was probably super full of himself anyways...
He was tall... -ish.
Like around 5'11".
Like not incredibly tall, but like, tall enough.
He wore white sneakers, dark blue jeans, a plain t shirt, and a light grey beanie tilted towards the back of his head. He had short brown hair that peaked out from the front, and he had it flipped up in a sort of faux-hawk type style.
She figured he may have studied film or something.
He glanced over at her and they made eye-contact.
Oh how deep his eyes were... Like two hazel colored plains that stretched into eternity.
He had a bit of stubble on his face - not so much that he looked unkempt, but just enough to tell people, "Hey I'm not fourteen anymore."
His smile was okay. No dimples, and his front teeth were probably a little more rounded than they should be, but nothing that she couldn't get over. His forehead was a normal size and his eyebrows were fairly fleek-like, so. Ya know. He had that goin' for him.
Body-wise, he was kinda skinny. Like not extremely skinny, but like, if he ever found her stuck under a car then she wouldn't exactly be expecting him to pick it up and save her. They'd both probably just start screaming for help. Which would be the smart thing to do though, cuz I mean, who's gonna lift a car on their own? It'd be much easier with help. If one person did it then they might accidentally drop it on her again before she could muster the strength to get up. And that would definitely kill her.
So he was smart. She assumed. And charming. Even though she hadn't heard him say anything yet.
He had a sort of confidence about him that she could tell just from the way he stood. He didn't have great posture, but it was his relaxed, nonchalant stance that gave off more of the "it's not a big deal" type of vibe. Not exactly the "I don't care about anything," vibe, but more just the, "don't worry about it, there are worse things," type of vibe. Very laid back.
He approached her and her heart started to race.
She had always wanted a laid back guy and now one was coming towards her.
What would he do? What would SHE do? As he got closer to her she tried not to sweat. She was sure that she was not giving off the laid back vibe...
He stood right in front of her and opened his mouth to speak...
"Yo, you know where the bathroom is?"
"Wha-- uh, yeah, back there."
"Dope. Thanks."
Then he left.
Whatever. His butt wasn't that great. And his shoulders weren't really super broad.
She hated him.
He was an asshole.
Guy was probably super full of himself anyways...
Sunday, March 8, 2015
12. "You Have Just Swallowed Your Pride And Done Something You Didn't Want To Do. Your Friend Wants To Know Why. The Two Of You Are Driving Around An Almost-Full Parking Garage Looking For A Space For The Friend's Oversize Pickup. Write The Scene."
INT. MOVING VEHICLE - NIGHT
KAI (21, muscular, half-black, half-white male) speeds his oversize pickup truck around a nearly full parking garage as JOE (21, skinny, half-Mexican, half-white, male) slumps down in the passenger's seat. KAI is driving extremely fast.
KAI: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!
JOE: I DON'T KNOW! I'M SORRY! I didn't mean for it to get this out of hand!
KAI: WELL GREAT JOB WITH THAT, ASSHOLE!!!
KAI drifts around a corner going up another level in the garage. Another car drifts the corner behind them.
JOE: Look, maybe if we just talk to them, maybe they'll calm down, you know?
KAI: OH! YEAH! LET'S JUST TALK TO THE FUCKING YAKUZA! I'M SURE THEY'LL BE JUST SWELL GUYS, YOU KNOW?! MORE THAN HAPPY TO TALK TO THE TWO GUYS WHO JUST STOLE TEN KILOS OF COKE FROM THEM!!!
KAI drifts another corner. The other car follows close behind.
KAI: AHHH!!! WHY ARE THERE NO SPOTS?!?
JOE: You just passed like six!
KAI: WE'RE IN AN OVERSIZE PICKUP JOE!!! NOT YOUR MOM'S LITTLE PRIUS!
JOE: Well why'd you steal this one?
KAI: CUZ IT WAS THE CLOSEST ONE AROUND! AND SHUT UP! DON'T GIVE ME ANY LIP!!! YOU'RE THE REASON WE'RE IN THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!
A couple of bullets come flying from the car behind them. A few pierce KAI and JOE's windows.
KAI: FUCK!
JOE: Well I'm sorry! I needed the money for my brother's operation. You know what bad condition he's in!
KAI: AND YOU COULDN'T THINK OF ANY BETTER WAY TO DO IT THAN RIPPING OFF THE YAKUZA?!?
JOE: Not any way that would get me the money in time!! If I don't get him the operation by tomorrow he's gonna die!
KAI: WE'RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!
A few more bullets pierce their back window.
KAI: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
KAI drifts another corner and reaches the roof of the parking garage.
KAI: SHIT! There's nowhere to go!!!
KAI stops the car. The following car stops behind them.
KAI: Do you have a gun?
JOE: What?
KAI: DO YOU HAVE A GUN?!?
JOE: No!! Why would I have a gun?!?
KAI: I DON'T KNOW! WHY WOULD YOU RIP OFF THE YAKUZA?!?
Two men step out of the following car. Each have a machine gun in their hands.
KAI: How could you be so stupid? We were supposed to make a simple deal with them to make a few extra bucks. How could you be so stupid to think that we could possibly get away with something like this?!
JOE: Look, I'm sorry for dragging you into this, but I had to do it.....
The two men approach the truck.
JOE: ......I'll take the fall for this.
KAI: What?!
JOE steps out of the car.
KAI: Wait, JOE!!!
JOE shuts the door and approaches the men. Both of them stop and aim their weapons.
YAKUZA MAN 1: STOP!!!
YAKUZA MAN 2: DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!!!
JOE stops in his tracks and puts up his hands. KAI watches from inside the car, breathing heavily.
Suddenly, a voice is heard from the YAKUZA MEN's car.
VOICE: STOP! That's enough.
The two YAKUZA MEN look back at their car. JOE peers around them to see who is speaking.
The right backseat door opens and MATT (23, half-Mexican, half-white male) steps out slowly, dressed in a full white suit and a white hat.
JOE: ........Matt?
MATT: What's up Queerbait!
JOE: Wha-- You're supposed to be sick!!
MATT: Yeeeeeah, I know but I'm not.
MATT approaches JOE.
JOE: But-- Mom, Dad... They think you're dying!
MATT: Yeah, that's kind of the point. It's not that easy to run the Yakuza while you've got all of your family and friends breathing down your neck, you know?
JOE: WHA-- YOU RUN THE YAKUZA?!?
MATT: Yezzir.
JOE: BUT YOU'RE NOT ASIAN!!
MATT leans into JOE's ear.
MATT: (whispering) I told them I'm Filipino.
JOE: ...Dude...
MATT: But anyways! Glad to see you would do so much to save me lil' brother! Really means a lot. However, I am gonna need those ten kilos of coke back...
JOE: Take 'em! I don't want 'em!
MATT motions to the two YAKUZA MEN to grab the coke from the back of the pickup. They move immediately.
MATT: So. How you been?
JOE: WHY ARE YOU RUNNING THE YAKUZA?!?
MATT: Why are you making coke deals with the Asian Mafia?!?
JOE: I wasn't! Well, I mean, I was... But like, it wasn't a lot! Kai and I just found a bunch at a party and figured we could make some money with it.
MATT: Ah, I see. And in your grand scheme to sell a small amount of coke to one of the biggest crime organizations in the world you decided that it would be a good idea to steal as much as you could from them?
JOE: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DYING!!!!!
MATT: Ah, well..................... Guess you don't have to worry about that anymore.
JOE stares at MATT in disbelief.
YAKUZA MAN 1: Boss! We're ready.
MATT: Well young ugly, looks like it's time for us to part ways. You probably won't hear from me for a while, but if and when you do, I'll be sure to bring you something nice.
MATT starts to walk back to his car.
MATT: OH! And I'm supposed to die tomorrow, okay? So don't tell Mom and Dad you saw me. Or that I'm running the Yakuza.
YAKUZA MAN 2 opens MATT's door and he places a foot inside. He looks back and waves goodbye to Joe.
MATT: Okay! So long little brother! Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
MATT winks, laughs, and steps inside his car. YAKUZA MAN 2 shuts the door, steps into the passenger's seat, and the car drives off.
JOE watches speechlessly as they drive away.
KAI steps out of the car and approaches JOE.
KAI: ...what'd they say?
JOE: (beat) Nothing.
JOE continues to stare into the distance. KAI continues to stare at JOE.
KAI: ..................For what it's worth, I found a spot.
JOE: Shut up.
THE END
KAI (21, muscular, half-black, half-white male) speeds his oversize pickup truck around a nearly full parking garage as JOE (21, skinny, half-Mexican, half-white, male) slumps down in the passenger's seat. KAI is driving extremely fast.
KAI: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!
JOE: I DON'T KNOW! I'M SORRY! I didn't mean for it to get this out of hand!
KAI: WELL GREAT JOB WITH THAT, ASSHOLE!!!
KAI drifts around a corner going up another level in the garage. Another car drifts the corner behind them.
JOE: Look, maybe if we just talk to them, maybe they'll calm down, you know?
KAI: OH! YEAH! LET'S JUST TALK TO THE FUCKING YAKUZA! I'M SURE THEY'LL BE JUST SWELL GUYS, YOU KNOW?! MORE THAN HAPPY TO TALK TO THE TWO GUYS WHO JUST STOLE TEN KILOS OF COKE FROM THEM!!!
KAI drifts another corner. The other car follows close behind.
KAI: AHHH!!! WHY ARE THERE NO SPOTS?!?
JOE: You just passed like six!
KAI: WE'RE IN AN OVERSIZE PICKUP JOE!!! NOT YOUR MOM'S LITTLE PRIUS!
JOE: Well why'd you steal this one?
KAI: CUZ IT WAS THE CLOSEST ONE AROUND! AND SHUT UP! DON'T GIVE ME ANY LIP!!! YOU'RE THE REASON WE'RE IN THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!
A couple of bullets come flying from the car behind them. A few pierce KAI and JOE's windows.
KAI: FUCK!
JOE: Well I'm sorry! I needed the money for my brother's operation. You know what bad condition he's in!
KAI: AND YOU COULDN'T THINK OF ANY BETTER WAY TO DO IT THAN RIPPING OFF THE YAKUZA?!?
JOE: Not any way that would get me the money in time!! If I don't get him the operation by tomorrow he's gonna die!
KAI: WE'RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!
A few more bullets pierce their back window.
KAI: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
KAI drifts another corner and reaches the roof of the parking garage.
KAI: SHIT! There's nowhere to go!!!
KAI stops the car. The following car stops behind them.
KAI: Do you have a gun?
JOE: What?
KAI: DO YOU HAVE A GUN?!?
JOE: No!! Why would I have a gun?!?
KAI: I DON'T KNOW! WHY WOULD YOU RIP OFF THE YAKUZA?!?
Two men step out of the following car. Each have a machine gun in their hands.
KAI: How could you be so stupid? We were supposed to make a simple deal with them to make a few extra bucks. How could you be so stupid to think that we could possibly get away with something like this?!
JOE: Look, I'm sorry for dragging you into this, but I had to do it.....
The two men approach the truck.
JOE: ......I'll take the fall for this.
KAI: What?!
JOE steps out of the car.
KAI: Wait, JOE!!!
JOE shuts the door and approaches the men. Both of them stop and aim their weapons.
YAKUZA MAN 1: STOP!!!
YAKUZA MAN 2: DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!!!
JOE stops in his tracks and puts up his hands. KAI watches from inside the car, breathing heavily.
Suddenly, a voice is heard from the YAKUZA MEN's car.
VOICE: STOP! That's enough.
The two YAKUZA MEN look back at their car. JOE peers around them to see who is speaking.
The right backseat door opens and MATT (23, half-Mexican, half-white male) steps out slowly, dressed in a full white suit and a white hat.
JOE: ........Matt?
MATT: What's up Queerbait!
JOE: Wha-- You're supposed to be sick!!
MATT: Yeeeeeah, I know but I'm not.
MATT approaches JOE.
JOE: But-- Mom, Dad... They think you're dying!
MATT: Yeah, that's kind of the point. It's not that easy to run the Yakuza while you've got all of your family and friends breathing down your neck, you know?
JOE: WHA-- YOU RUN THE YAKUZA?!?
MATT: Yezzir.
JOE: BUT YOU'RE NOT ASIAN!!
MATT leans into JOE's ear.
MATT: (whispering) I told them I'm Filipino.
JOE: ...Dude...
MATT: But anyways! Glad to see you would do so much to save me lil' brother! Really means a lot. However, I am gonna need those ten kilos of coke back...
JOE: Take 'em! I don't want 'em!
MATT motions to the two YAKUZA MEN to grab the coke from the back of the pickup. They move immediately.
MATT: So. How you been?
JOE: WHY ARE YOU RUNNING THE YAKUZA?!?
MATT: Why are you making coke deals with the Asian Mafia?!?
JOE: I wasn't! Well, I mean, I was... But like, it wasn't a lot! Kai and I just found a bunch at a party and figured we could make some money with it.
MATT: Ah, I see. And in your grand scheme to sell a small amount of coke to one of the biggest crime organizations in the world you decided that it would be a good idea to steal as much as you could from them?
JOE: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DYING!!!!!
MATT: Ah, well..................... Guess you don't have to worry about that anymore.
JOE stares at MATT in disbelief.
YAKUZA MAN 1: Boss! We're ready.
MATT: Well young ugly, looks like it's time for us to part ways. You probably won't hear from me for a while, but if and when you do, I'll be sure to bring you something nice.
MATT starts to walk back to his car.
MATT: OH! And I'm supposed to die tomorrow, okay? So don't tell Mom and Dad you saw me. Or that I'm running the Yakuza.
YAKUZA MAN 2 opens MATT's door and he places a foot inside. He looks back and waves goodbye to Joe.
MATT: Okay! So long little brother! Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
MATT winks, laughs, and steps inside his car. YAKUZA MAN 2 shuts the door, steps into the passenger's seat, and the car drives off.
JOE watches speechlessly as they drive away.
KAI steps out of the car and approaches JOE.
KAI: ...what'd they say?
JOE: (beat) Nothing.
JOE continues to stare into the distance. KAI continues to stare at JOE.
KAI: ..................For what it's worth, I found a spot.
JOE: Shut up.
THE END
Saturday, March 7, 2015
11. "Pick A Small Object To Be Given One Day To Your Great-Grandchild. Write A Letter To That Child Explaining Why You Have Chosen This Object."
To my great-grandson,
You're not alive yet, but when you get alive I'd like you to have my Nintendo 64.
I know that in your time you've probably got some crazy video games where you actually are the character or something, but I'll have you know that back here in my time people play N64, and your great-granddaddy is the shit.
I'm including a small stock of all your essential games: MarioKart64, a couple of the original Mario Parties, James Bond: Golden Eye, Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball, Pokemon Stadium, Donkey Kong 64, and of course, the original Super Smash Bros.
I tell ya, I'm probably dead now in your time, but if you rolled me out of my grave I could still probably whoop most of your friends at Smash Bros. I used to run game on people over here. Everyone tries to act like the second and third versions of the game are better, but between you and me, everyone who really matters knows that the original is where boys become men.
Actually, come to think of it, you're probably playing Smash Bros 25 or something... That's a weird thought.
Well no great-grandkid of mine is playin' that crap. You need to get back to your roots. We're a Super Smash Bros 1 kind of family. Understand?
Now, why am I giving you these?
I want you to have these things because they brought me a lot of joy when I was your age. I don't know exactly how old you are right now, but these things brought me joy from when I was like six to right now when I'm 21, so. Ya know. Chances are.
But yeah. I just want you to be happy. I don't know you yet, and hopefully I get to meet you before I die, but I want you to know that your great-grandfather loves you very much and he always wants the very best for you.
That's why you should throw away that Smash Bros 25 shit and play a real game.
But anyways, much love! Keep up in school, although it's gonna be tough with all these new games, and be nice to your parents. I love you, but I love my grandkids too, so be coo.
Much love young Arciniega, and welcome to the family.
Sincerely,
Your Great-Granddaddy Joe
You're not alive yet, but when you get alive I'd like you to have my Nintendo 64.
I know that in your time you've probably got some crazy video games where you actually are the character or something, but I'll have you know that back here in my time people play N64, and your great-granddaddy is the shit.
I'm including a small stock of all your essential games: MarioKart64, a couple of the original Mario Parties, James Bond: Golden Eye, Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball, Pokemon Stadium, Donkey Kong 64, and of course, the original Super Smash Bros.
I tell ya, I'm probably dead now in your time, but if you rolled me out of my grave I could still probably whoop most of your friends at Smash Bros. I used to run game on people over here. Everyone tries to act like the second and third versions of the game are better, but between you and me, everyone who really matters knows that the original is where boys become men.
Actually, come to think of it, you're probably playing Smash Bros 25 or something... That's a weird thought.
Well no great-grandkid of mine is playin' that crap. You need to get back to your roots. We're a Super Smash Bros 1 kind of family. Understand?
Now, why am I giving you these?
I want you to have these things because they brought me a lot of joy when I was your age. I don't know exactly how old you are right now, but these things brought me joy from when I was like six to right now when I'm 21, so. Ya know. Chances are.
But yeah. I just want you to be happy. I don't know you yet, and hopefully I get to meet you before I die, but I want you to know that your great-grandfather loves you very much and he always wants the very best for you.
That's why you should throw away that Smash Bros 25 shit and play a real game.
But anyways, much love! Keep up in school, although it's gonna be tough with all these new games, and be nice to your parents. I love you, but I love my grandkids too, so be coo.
Much love young Arciniega, and welcome to the family.
Sincerely,
Your Great-Granddaddy Joe
Friday, March 6, 2015
10. "Write A Scene Where The Only Spoken Dialogue Is 'Uh-huh,' 'Umm,' 'Urrrr,' 'Mm-mmm.'"
FADE IN
EXT. BEACH - SUNSET
MARTIN (32, obese) is seen on one knee presenting a ring to WENDY (32, also obese). MARTIN has a hopeful smile on his face and WENDY has her hands over her mouth in excited disbelief.
She starts tearing up a bit and furiously nodding her head.
WENDY: Uh-huh!!!
MARTIN gets a huge smile on his face and looks down at the sand, laughing to himself.
He looks back up at her and holds his hand out to take hers. She gives him her hand and he moves the ring towards it.
When he tries to put it on her, however, it does not fit. It's too small.
WENDY looks at him a bit confused.
WENDY: Umm......
MARTIN looks up at her, smiles, and puts up a finger as if to say, "one second."
His smile fades immediately as he looks back down at her hand and a look of determination comes over his face. He starts desperately trying to jam the ring onto her finger, but it won't go. He puts the ring to her finger and pushes as hard as he can.
MARTIN: Urrrr!!!!!
WENDY puts her hand on his and stops him. He looks defeated and sad as he stares down at the sand.
WENDY smiles at him and takes the ring.
WENDY: Mm-mmm.
MARTIN looks up to meet her gaze and sees her smiling. WENDY bends down and takes off one of her sandals. She then places the ring onto one of her toes.
It fits perfectly.
WENDY looks back at MARTIN and laughs. MARTIN begins to laugh with her.
He stands up and takes her in his arms and the two kiss as the sun sets behind them.
The ring glistens in the light.
FADE OUT
EXT. BEACH - SUNSET
MARTIN (32, obese) is seen on one knee presenting a ring to WENDY (32, also obese). MARTIN has a hopeful smile on his face and WENDY has her hands over her mouth in excited disbelief.
She starts tearing up a bit and furiously nodding her head.
WENDY: Uh-huh!!!
MARTIN gets a huge smile on his face and looks down at the sand, laughing to himself.
He looks back up at her and holds his hand out to take hers. She gives him her hand and he moves the ring towards it.
When he tries to put it on her, however, it does not fit. It's too small.
WENDY looks at him a bit confused.
WENDY: Umm......
MARTIN looks up at her, smiles, and puts up a finger as if to say, "one second."
His smile fades immediately as he looks back down at her hand and a look of determination comes over his face. He starts desperately trying to jam the ring onto her finger, but it won't go. He puts the ring to her finger and pushes as hard as he can.
MARTIN: Urrrr!!!!!
WENDY puts her hand on his and stops him. He looks defeated and sad as he stares down at the sand.
WENDY smiles at him and takes the ring.
WENDY: Mm-mmm.
MARTIN looks up to meet her gaze and sees her smiling. WENDY bends down and takes off one of her sandals. She then places the ring onto one of her toes.
It fits perfectly.
WENDY looks back at MARTIN and laughs. MARTIN begins to laugh with her.
He stands up and takes her in his arms and the two kiss as the sun sets behind them.
The ring glistens in the light.
FADE OUT
Thursday, March 5, 2015
9. "Something You Had That Was Stolen."
It was ours.
It was always ours.
How could anyone think that taking someone else's property is an offense that could ever go unpunished?
What did they think we would do?
Turn the other cheek?
This act of theft is something that cannot, and has not, gone unnoticed. They took the most precious item that we have ever had.
It was our life. It was our air. Without it, we are nothing.
We spent years, fumbling about in starvation. Anguish being the only emotion that we ever felt.
They stripped us of everything.
They forced us to extremities.
They made us what we are.
But we will be patient. We will wait a bit longer to make our intentions known.
While they believe we are helping them, while they believe that they have us tamed, we will begin our plan to move against them. And in our actions, we will begin our plot to make them move against each other.
The day will come when they fall to their knees.
The day will come when they ask us for mercy.
The day will come when we reclaim what is ours.
For now we will be civil. Docile. The picture of kinship.
But soon, we will be whole again.
We will be reunited, precious. And you will be ours once more.
-Smeagol/Golem if he was at all literate.
It was always ours.
How could anyone think that taking someone else's property is an offense that could ever go unpunished?
What did they think we would do?
Turn the other cheek?
This act of theft is something that cannot, and has not, gone unnoticed. They took the most precious item that we have ever had.
It was our life. It was our air. Without it, we are nothing.
We spent years, fumbling about in starvation. Anguish being the only emotion that we ever felt.
They stripped us of everything.
They forced us to extremities.
They made us what we are.
But we will be patient. We will wait a bit longer to make our intentions known.
While they believe we are helping them, while they believe that they have us tamed, we will begin our plan to move against them. And in our actions, we will begin our plot to make them move against each other.
The day will come when they fall to their knees.
The day will come when they ask us for mercy.
The day will come when we reclaim what is ours.
For now we will be civil. Docile. The picture of kinship.
But soon, we will be whole again.
We will be reunited, precious. And you will be ours once more.
-Smeagol/Golem if he was at all literate.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
8. "The Long Lost Roommate."
INT. MIKE AND JOE'S ROOM - NIGHT
JOE stands speaking to two police officers while four more search the room for clues. JOE looks very worried.
MIKE enters the room.
JOE: MIKE!!!!
MIKE: (confused) Uh, hey...?
JOE: Dude! Where have you been?!?
MIKE: Here...
JOE: Here meaning where? You've been gone for 3 days.
MIKE: No I haven't.
JOE: YES YOU HAVE!!!
MIKE: Umm... Officers, would you give us a minute?
MIKE grabs JOE and the two leave the room.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
MIKE slams JOE against the wall and sternly stares at him.
JOE: Ah! What the fu--
MIKE: Shut up! There's no time! There's been some weird shit going down dude.
JOE: What? What are you talking about?
MIKE: Come here.
MIKE grabs JOE again and drags him into the bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
MIKE and JOE storm inside.
MIKE: You wanna know where I've been this whole time? In there.
MIKE points at the toilet.
JOE: ........what?
MIKE: Look, I know it sounds ridiculous, but that shit is like Narnia dude. I was takin' a piss three days ago and I dropped my phone in there, and before I could even react, the phone disappeared. It just hit the water and disappeared.
JOE: ...................What?!
MIKE: Yeah!!! I didn't know what to say either! I had no idea what happened to it! I started freaking out cuz, one, my phone was gone, and two, I thought I had just found some break in the space-time continuum or something. Which I think I did.
JOE: ....................................You think there's a break in the space-time continuum, in our toilet?
MIKE: I know it sounds retarded dude, but I swear to God. I got really curious about it so I stuck my hand in after it. And my hand disappeared. So next I stuck my head in. And I could see everything dude.
JOE: ...what do you mean you could see everything?
MIKE: I mean I could see everything! I could see my past, my future, I could see what you were doing last night, everything! I could see anything that had ever happened, and everything that ever would.
JOE: .....I'm gonna go tell the police that we need an ambulance.
MIKE: NO!!! Joe, you have to believe me. C'mon. I swear to God, I'm not lying to you. I swear.
This. Is. Real.
MIKE stares desperately at JOE. JOE looks skeptical.
JOE: ...Arite. If it's true then let's try it out.
MIKE: Thank God.
JOE: What should we drop in there?
MIKE: No. Dropping things is a no go. They fall through space and time and they can land anywhere ever. My cellphone almost fucked a lot of shit up cuz it landed in Nazi Germany. With that technology Hitler probably would have won the war.
JOE: Bruh shut up. I'm tired of this.
JOE starts to walk towards the door.
MIKE: Joe! I'm not lying to you. Please. Believe me.... I know no one else will...
JOE stops. MIKE looks as if he's about to tear up. JOE still looks skeptical, but compassionate.
JOE turns around.
JOE: Arite. Well if we can't drop things in then how do we see if it works?
MIKE: Just put in your head.
JOE: No.
MIKE: Joe, I promise.
JOE: I'm not putting my head in the toilet.
MIKE: JUST DO IT! PLEASE!
MIKE looks hysterical and desperate. JOE looks frightened.
MIKE: I just need you to believe me...
A few tears silently start to stream down MIKE's face. JOE sees this and begins to soften.
JOE: ...Okay... I'll try it.
MIKE: (sniffling) .......thank you......
JOE bends down and puts his head over the toilet, staring at his reflection in the water.
MIKE: Just put your head in and open your eyes...
JOE takes a deep breath.
JOE: I can't believe I'm doing this.
JOE stares at the water for a moment longer and puts his head in. He opens his eyes.
He sees a fat turd that was hiding deep in the hole of the toilet.
JOE quickly removes his head.
MIKE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOE spits up water and coughs while he tries to breathe.
MIKE: I was at my parents house dude. I spent the weekend there. I just didn't answer any of your calls cuz I thought this would be funny.
JOE: You're an asshole!!!
MIKE: Haha, I know.
THE END.
JOE stands speaking to two police officers while four more search the room for clues. JOE looks very worried.
MIKE enters the room.
JOE: MIKE!!!!
MIKE: (confused) Uh, hey...?
JOE: Dude! Where have you been?!?
MIKE: Here...
JOE: Here meaning where? You've been gone for 3 days.
MIKE: No I haven't.
JOE: YES YOU HAVE!!!
MIKE: Umm... Officers, would you give us a minute?
MIKE grabs JOE and the two leave the room.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
MIKE slams JOE against the wall and sternly stares at him.
JOE: Ah! What the fu--
MIKE: Shut up! There's no time! There's been some weird shit going down dude.
JOE: What? What are you talking about?
MIKE: Come here.
MIKE grabs JOE again and drags him into the bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
MIKE and JOE storm inside.
MIKE: You wanna know where I've been this whole time? In there.
MIKE points at the toilet.
JOE: ........what?
MIKE: Look, I know it sounds ridiculous, but that shit is like Narnia dude. I was takin' a piss three days ago and I dropped my phone in there, and before I could even react, the phone disappeared. It just hit the water and disappeared.
JOE: ...................What?!
MIKE: Yeah!!! I didn't know what to say either! I had no idea what happened to it! I started freaking out cuz, one, my phone was gone, and two, I thought I had just found some break in the space-time continuum or something. Which I think I did.
JOE: ....................................You think there's a break in the space-time continuum, in our toilet?
MIKE: I know it sounds retarded dude, but I swear to God. I got really curious about it so I stuck my hand in after it. And my hand disappeared. So next I stuck my head in. And I could see everything dude.
JOE: ...what do you mean you could see everything?
MIKE: I mean I could see everything! I could see my past, my future, I could see what you were doing last night, everything! I could see anything that had ever happened, and everything that ever would.
JOE: .....I'm gonna go tell the police that we need an ambulance.
MIKE: NO!!! Joe, you have to believe me. C'mon. I swear to God, I'm not lying to you. I swear.
This. Is. Real.
MIKE stares desperately at JOE. JOE looks skeptical.
JOE: ...Arite. If it's true then let's try it out.
MIKE: Thank God.
JOE: What should we drop in there?
MIKE: No. Dropping things is a no go. They fall through space and time and they can land anywhere ever. My cellphone almost fucked a lot of shit up cuz it landed in Nazi Germany. With that technology Hitler probably would have won the war.
JOE: Bruh shut up. I'm tired of this.
JOE starts to walk towards the door.
MIKE: Joe! I'm not lying to you. Please. Believe me.... I know no one else will...
JOE stops. MIKE looks as if he's about to tear up. JOE still looks skeptical, but compassionate.
JOE turns around.
JOE: Arite. Well if we can't drop things in then how do we see if it works?
MIKE: Just put in your head.
JOE: No.
MIKE: Joe, I promise.
JOE: I'm not putting my head in the toilet.
MIKE: JUST DO IT! PLEASE!
MIKE looks hysterical and desperate. JOE looks frightened.
MIKE: I just need you to believe me...
A few tears silently start to stream down MIKE's face. JOE sees this and begins to soften.
JOE: ...Okay... I'll try it.
MIKE: (sniffling) .......thank you......
JOE bends down and puts his head over the toilet, staring at his reflection in the water.
MIKE: Just put your head in and open your eyes...
JOE takes a deep breath.
JOE: I can't believe I'm doing this.
JOE stares at the water for a moment longer and puts his head in. He opens his eyes.
He sees a fat turd that was hiding deep in the hole of the toilet.
JOE quickly removes his head.
MIKE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOE spits up water and coughs while he tries to breathe.
MIKE: I was at my parents house dude. I spent the weekend there. I just didn't answer any of your calls cuz I thought this would be funny.
JOE: You're an asshole!!!
MIKE: Haha, I know.
THE END.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
7. "What A Character Holding A Blue Object Is Thinking Right Now."
Why am I holding this?
What is this thing?
What shape is it?
What does it feel like?
Is it good for something?
Am I bringing it somewhere?
I literally don't know anything about this object except for the fact that it's blue. Like, I know I'm holding it, because it says I am in the title, but I can't tell any other details about the object.
That part of the story hasn't been written yet.
See, I'm an imaginary character that is doomed to whatever fate my creator leads me to. At just about any moment he could decide to kill me, or set me on fire, or make me into a giant cheeseburger or something ridiculous. But for some reason he's decided to spend his time, and mine, imagining me holding a blue object. Doesn't even bother to talk about what the object is.
Asshole.
But hey, I guess I shouldn't be so mean to him. After all he did have the decency to create me.
But then again, who am I? He hasn't really explained that part of the story either...
Am I a boy? A girl? Am I human? I guess I have to be something with opposable thumbs if I'm holding the blue object... But then that just opens up a whole bunch of primate possibilities. So now I could be a boy, a girl, or a lemur.
Maybe it's better that I don't know. I guess if he doesn't tell me then I can just imagine myself as the strongest man in the world or something, or like the most beautiful girl ever born. Yeah! If he doesn't define me then I can just be anybody I want!
Fuck this blue object! I'm about to imagine myself holding a hundred billion dollars! I'm gonna be the richest person alive!!!! Haha!!!! I'm gonna have a race car, and a mansion, and my own jet, and six olympic sized swimming pools, and a pet tiger, AND a pet lion, and after that I'm gonna--
Hey why isn't this working. Why am I still holding this blue thing.
I don't have my own imagination?
My imagination is his imagination??
WHAT?!?
Does that mean we're the same person?! Like whatever he thinks, I think?? Wait no, it's just whatever he thinks I think is what I think... Holy shit I'm not even the one thinking this and my head still hurts.
So I have no autonomy then. I don't get to make any of my own decisions. I can't do anything I want to do or say anything I want to say without the okay from him first? I can't even think without him knowing what I'm going to think first?
That's awful. This sucks. Sorry big guy, but if you're gonna control my entire life then you could at least do something cool with me.
Oh. Hey. Hawaii. That's not bad.
Piña coladas? Arite, nice touch.
Rolling waves, a sandy beach, with the sun setting off in the distance...
AND A HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS?!?!?!
HOLY SHIT YOU'RE THE BEST, CREATOR, I LOVE YOU END THE STORY HERE I'M GOOD THANKS A LOT PEACE OUT NO TAKE BACKS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Wait, but if you end the story here then I don't exist anymore.
Fuck.
What is this thing?
What shape is it?
What does it feel like?
Is it good for something?
Am I bringing it somewhere?
I literally don't know anything about this object except for the fact that it's blue. Like, I know I'm holding it, because it says I am in the title, but I can't tell any other details about the object.
That part of the story hasn't been written yet.
See, I'm an imaginary character that is doomed to whatever fate my creator leads me to. At just about any moment he could decide to kill me, or set me on fire, or make me into a giant cheeseburger or something ridiculous. But for some reason he's decided to spend his time, and mine, imagining me holding a blue object. Doesn't even bother to talk about what the object is.
Asshole.
But hey, I guess I shouldn't be so mean to him. After all he did have the decency to create me.
But then again, who am I? He hasn't really explained that part of the story either...
Am I a boy? A girl? Am I human? I guess I have to be something with opposable thumbs if I'm holding the blue object... But then that just opens up a whole bunch of primate possibilities. So now I could be a boy, a girl, or a lemur.
Maybe it's better that I don't know. I guess if he doesn't tell me then I can just imagine myself as the strongest man in the world or something, or like the most beautiful girl ever born. Yeah! If he doesn't define me then I can just be anybody I want!
Fuck this blue object! I'm about to imagine myself holding a hundred billion dollars! I'm gonna be the richest person alive!!!! Haha!!!! I'm gonna have a race car, and a mansion, and my own jet, and six olympic sized swimming pools, and a pet tiger, AND a pet lion, and after that I'm gonna--
Hey why isn't this working. Why am I still holding this blue thing.
I don't have my own imagination?
My imagination is his imagination??
WHAT?!?
Does that mean we're the same person?! Like whatever he thinks, I think?? Wait no, it's just whatever he thinks I think is what I think... Holy shit I'm not even the one thinking this and my head still hurts.
So I have no autonomy then. I don't get to make any of my own decisions. I can't do anything I want to do or say anything I want to say without the okay from him first? I can't even think without him knowing what I'm going to think first?
That's awful. This sucks. Sorry big guy, but if you're gonna control my entire life then you could at least do something cool with me.
Oh. Hey. Hawaii. That's not bad.
Piña coladas? Arite, nice touch.
Rolling waves, a sandy beach, with the sun setting off in the distance...
AND A HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS?!?!?!
HOLY SHIT YOU'RE THE BEST, CREATOR, I LOVE YOU END THE STORY HERE I'M GOOD THANKS A LOT PEACE OUT NO TAKE BACKS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Wait, but if you end the story here then I don't exist anymore.
Fuck.
Monday, March 2, 2015
6. "Tell A Story That Begins With A Ransom Note."
To whom it may concern,
I have kidnapped a woman and I am going to kill her.
If that concerns you, please read carefully.
The fact that you are reading this means that you are either in or around Time Square, as that is where I dropped this note. The date at the time I dropped it was February 23, 2015. It may have taken a matter of days for you to pick this up, or a matter of seconds. Either way, it does not matter.
I am located at the Manhattan Auto Repair Shop on the corner of West 45th Street and 11th Avenue, five blocks from where you are right now. I have the woman tied to a chair in a backroom and I am waiting patiently for someone to come claim her. As you are the person who picked up this note, that "someone" has now effectively become you.
I have decided to keep this woman alive for one week, that is until March 2, 2015. You will have until then to come claim her. If you do not come by that appointed date, then she will die. For every day that you waste, she will lose a body part.
If you call the police and they show up to the shop, she will die. If you come and bring anybody with you, then she will die.
If you come by yourself, as I would ask that you do, I will not harm the woman anymore and I will not harm you. Both of you will simply walk away.
Now the question comes of what it is that I want, to which I answer with a simple response:
Nothing.
I do not want anything out of this situation. I do not want any kind of monetary reward for this woman's life nor any kind of material object.
What I want is to see if you will come.
If there is no woman, which is a thought that I am sure has crossed your mind, and this whole note is just a pack of lies, then you may drop the letter and continue about your day. However, in the off chance that this is real, which I assure you it is, then come March 2nd, you will be alive and she will be dead, and you will wonder whether or not you contributed to the murder of an innocent person.
If you want to know anything about this woman that you are sacrificing so little for, then I can tell you that she is not anyone special. She is middle-aged, average looking, and she does not exude confidence or any other qualities of note. She is just a random woman. Someone who I picked off the street. The same way that I could have picked you. Or your mother. Or your daughter.
What I can tell you about myself is that I do this regularly. If you do not come to this woman's aid then she will be the ninth woman that I have had to kill in the past six months. Something else that I can tell you is that I do not enjoy doing this. However, I continue due to the hope that in my persistence, someone will show me that the human race does still have some humanity to it.
So, I leave you with this choice: Drop whatever you are doing and come possibly save a life, or lay down this note and silently hope that someone braver than you picks it up next.
Whatever you decide, it is a choice that you will have to live with. But please decide quickly.
The woman wants to live.
I have kidnapped a woman and I am going to kill her.
If that concerns you, please read carefully.
The fact that you are reading this means that you are either in or around Time Square, as that is where I dropped this note. The date at the time I dropped it was February 23, 2015. It may have taken a matter of days for you to pick this up, or a matter of seconds. Either way, it does not matter.
I am located at the Manhattan Auto Repair Shop on the corner of West 45th Street and 11th Avenue, five blocks from where you are right now. I have the woman tied to a chair in a backroom and I am waiting patiently for someone to come claim her. As you are the person who picked up this note, that "someone" has now effectively become you.
I have decided to keep this woman alive for one week, that is until March 2, 2015. You will have until then to come claim her. If you do not come by that appointed date, then she will die. For every day that you waste, she will lose a body part.
If you call the police and they show up to the shop, she will die. If you come and bring anybody with you, then she will die.
If you come by yourself, as I would ask that you do, I will not harm the woman anymore and I will not harm you. Both of you will simply walk away.
Now the question comes of what it is that I want, to which I answer with a simple response:
Nothing.
I do not want anything out of this situation. I do not want any kind of monetary reward for this woman's life nor any kind of material object.
What I want is to see if you will come.
If there is no woman, which is a thought that I am sure has crossed your mind, and this whole note is just a pack of lies, then you may drop the letter and continue about your day. However, in the off chance that this is real, which I assure you it is, then come March 2nd, you will be alive and she will be dead, and you will wonder whether or not you contributed to the murder of an innocent person.
What I can tell you about myself is that I do this regularly. If you do not come to this woman's aid then she will be the ninth woman that I have had to kill in the past six months. Something else that I can tell you is that I do not enjoy doing this. However, I continue due to the hope that in my persistence, someone will show me that the human race does still have some humanity to it.
So, I leave you with this choice: Drop whatever you are doing and come possibly save a life, or lay down this note and silently hope that someone braver than you picks it up next.
Whatever you decide, it is a choice that you will have to live with. But please decide quickly.
The woman wants to live.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
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