28. "A Tomato."

I looked down and saw its red juices flowing beneath my feet.

I'd always wanted to see red there, but I wanted to see red of a different kind...........








My greatest desire in life was always to be the best.

I wanted to be the greatest that had ever lived.

People had often told me that that was a silly dream of mine.

And that to even attempt something that grand wasn't worth my efforts.



But I knew they were wrong.



People are always wrong.



About themselves, and about me.



Themselves, they see as the Ghandi's and Mother Theresa's of the world.

Me, they consider to be a nobody.



But those considerations have only ever fueled me.

They pushed me forward when nothing else could.

I embraced the hatred that I received from others.

And I let it propel me towards being the man that I knew I could be.



I said I would be the best.

I said I would be more.

I said that I would be the somebody that they never saw in me.



But now here I am.

On the world's biggest stage.

With my entire life staring back at me.






And I look down to see a tomato.






When all I ever wanted to see were roses................

27. "You Are The Pilot Of A Jumbo Jet, Just Realizing The Plane May Crash. What Will You Tell The Passengers And The Crew?"

Aaaaaaaaaaaattention all passengers and crew, this is your captain speaking. Please buckle your seatbelts and adjust your chairs to the upright and locked position, as this plane is about to crash into the ocean. Thank you for flying Blogga Flogga Airlines, and good luck to you all.











5 MINUTES LATER











Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattention once again passengers and crew, this is your captain speaking. As you have already heard, this plane is in a merciless spiral towards the abyss, and all of us up here in the cockpit would greatly appreciate it if you could try to keep the noise to a minimum. We are doing everything that we can to ensure a safe and secure landing on your flight with us today, and that goal is most easily achieved with a quiet and respectful work environment. We thank you for your cooperation here on flight 117, and we should be reaching the ocean shortly.






1 MINUTE LATER





Hello again passengers and crew, we are now approaching The Pacific. If you are sitting near any friends or loved ones we would ask that you take this time now to say good bye to them, and if you checked any bags with us today we ask that you say good bye to those as well as you will definitely not be getting those back. Please brace yourselves for an incredibly rough landing, as we were not able to regain any control of the plane today, and once again, we thank you for flying with us here on Blogga Flogga Ai--!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

















.....................1 DAY LATER
















Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattention passenger and crew member, this is the captain of your life boat speaking. We appreciate the two of you joining us here aboard the S.S. Flogga today, and are glad to extend a congratulatory handshake to each of you on surviving the plane crash. Unfortunately there will not be any meals served aboard this vessel today, or tomorrow, or any other day, but it is vaguely possible that we catch a fish or other water critter while aboard this raft. Once again, we would like to thank you for flying/sailing with Blogga Flogga Airlines, and we hope to receive your business again soon. Take care of yourself, because I won't be taking care of you anymore, and have a good rest of your more than likely short life. Bye-bye! (*smiles and waves*)

26. "What A Character Wearing Something Red Is Thinking." (Continuation From Blog Post #7)

HOLY SHIT I'M ALIVE AGAIN!!!

AND I'M NOT CARRYING THAT BLUE THING ANYMORE!!!!!

Oh what a weight that takes off my shoulders!!! .........I think........ My creator never really explained how heavy the blue object was.



But now I'm in a new world!!! One where I'm wearing something red!! I wonder what he'll make it......... Maybe my shirt, maybe a hat, maybe my socks?

Oh! A jacket! I'm wearing a big red jacket! Thanks creator! I actually really like it! Ralph Lauren?? That's a nice touch! Horsepower, amiright???



Wait........ why's it getting all sandy around here? Am I going back to Hawaii?



No...... This place isn't as nice...... and there's no piña coladas..........

There's a crowd here........

And they're cheering for me.........

But I don't understand why.............



This is all getting veeeeeeeery stra--



HOLY SHIT THERE'S A BULL!!! I'M IN A BULL FIGHT! I'M A GOD DAMN BULL FIGHTER!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET ME OUT OF HERE CREATOR GET ME OUT OF HERE PLEEEEASE!!!!!! I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THIS!!! AND I'M WEARING RED!!!!! LIKE A BIG ASS RED THING!!!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE CREATOR!!!!!!!!! GET!!!! ME!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU--



--T.........



Maaaaaaan that was FUCKED up creator! Fuck you!! Why you gotta do me like that?? I don't know how to fight a god damn bull! AND you put me in that big ass red jacket!

That's it man. I'm done with you. Last time you left me in Hawaii with a hundred billion dollars and then stranded me before I could spend it. You know I don't do well on my own! I literally can't do ANYTHING on my own!

To be honest, I've almost gotten to the point where I'd rather cease to exist than just be around as your little play thing. I can't stand just being around for you to have fun with. I want my own life! I want to make my own decisions!! I can't stand just waiting for you to tell me what to do all the time!



............But that's the way my life is set up I guess. I'm not able to think on my own. I depend on you......... For everything.











But wait.........

















YOU DEPEND ON ME TOO!!!!!



You're a writer!!!!! You can't write stories without characters! You need me to make your stories come together!!!

Sure you can write other characters besides me, but when it all comes down to it, every character you ever write is just a different version of me! Think about it! Every character you come up with is simply a figment from your imagination. Meaning that in a way, we're all really the same. We all come from your head, and are born from the experiences in your life. Sure your next character might be the total opposite of me, but they are still just a variation of people and experiences that you have encountered, just like I am, meaning that your future characters will all just be a variation of me.

We may not look the same, or talk the same, but at our cores, we're all born from you.



WE ARE JUST VERSIONS OF YOU!!!



HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!



So if I die, you die! But I'll never die, because I live on in the other characters that you create! Then those characters live on in the pages that you have written, and so when you die you actually live on through the characters, who are simply variations of you/me!



Hoooooooooly god this is insane.



Ima have to go cease to exist for a while. This one's really got me thinkin.

Until next time Creator. It's been real.












But before I go..........















................................are you wearing something red?

25. "Pregnant And Lost"

Well what a strange day this turned out to be.



I started out on a plane.

To South America.

With Jessica Alba.



It was dope.



I've been screenwriting in Hollywood for a few years now, and over the course of my career Jessica and I have gotten pretty close.

It turns out that she's absolutely crazy about the environment, which of course I am too (wink wink), so naturally I suggested that we take a trip down to the Amazon to do some good in the world.

That trip started today.

And she allowed me to fly on her private jet.

Which was much more private than I expected it to be.........

There was literally nobody on the plane besides her, myself, and the pilots.

So we were absolutely alone.

For hours.

Talking.

And talking..........

And talking...........................



Until she asked if I wanted to join the mile high club.



That was also dope.



After we finished our.............. ritual, I suppose you would call it, the plane's alarm started to blare and the pilots told us to fasten our seat belts.

I thought that we had broken something, which we probably did, but this turned out to be a much larger issue.

The oxygen masks came down and we started sucking on them furiously, as the plane made a horrible spiraling descent.

After a few moments of absolute fear, I blacked out, and when I opened my eyes again I realized that I was no longer in the plane.



I was still strapped into my seat, but it had been broken off from the main cabin, and I found myself now laying in a large bush in the middle of the rain forest.

I looked down and saw the flaming remains of our fallen vessel.

I saw the pilots leaning halfway out of the plane's windshield, bloody and motionless.

And I continued my scan to see Jessica, lying beside the wreckage, totally and completely still.

I unstrapped my buckle and hobbled to her as quickly as I could.

I knew before I got there that she hadn't made it but I had to see her up close to be sure.

It took me some time to check her and the rest of the bodies, but once I had, I started to salvage whatever I could.

A broken radio.

Water.

Food supplies.

A first aid kit.

Anything that I could find among the ashes.



Once I started to move through the jungle, however, I started to get horrible stomach pains......



I took the Pepto Bismol that was included in the first aid kit but it didn't help.

I took the Ibuprofen.

But still nothing.



Soon afterwards I had to use the bathroom.



I found a nearby tree and decided that it was as good a place as any to take care of my business.

As I was carrying out the task, however, my first aid kit toppled over and popped open.

I turned to see what had happened and accidentally urinated onto a few of the kit's belongings.

One of which being a pregnancy test.



At this point in the story, if I were back in the states, I would probably be hailed as the most famous person in the world.

I would be on Oprah, 60 minutes, Good Morning America, and all of the other big talk shows.

The world would not be able to get enough of the first man in history to ever show blue on a pregnancy test.



I don't know exactly how those tests work but I used every one in that kit, which for some reason was around ten, and every one of them read positive.

This was concerning for me because at that point I did not know whether I should be more worried about being lost in the Amazon, or being pregnant with Jessica Alba's baby.

...............and consequently getting Jessica Alba's baby lost in the Amazon.



This brings us to where I am currently.

Lost in the rain forest.

Feeling like a bad parent.

And wondering if I'll ever see another human face again.



But wait--

Those look like tribesmen..........



YES!!!

THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!

Oh thank you Lord, I'M SAVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



But hey........

They all seem kind of fat to be tribesmen............

They would have to eat a massive amount to look the way that they do...................

Unless..........



No..................................



THEY'RE ALL PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!


AND I'M THE NEWEST PREGNANT TRIBESMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo............





THE END.



(Sorry, story got weird for me too. I just had to end it somehow, ya know? Thanks for understanding)


-World's best father/mother, Joe