19. "A Sneeze."

I sneezed a while back.

It wasn't my proudest moment.

It was in the middle of a press conference.

With the president.

And it was a big sneeze.

Like a really big one.

One of those where a whole head-full of snot comes flying out of your nose.

I was a journalist.

And I was sitting in the front row when it happened.

I remember it like it was in slow motion.




The president was saying something about the global economy or whatever.

And I couldn't listen anymore.

I started to get that tingling feeling you get at the tip of your nose that starts to kind of travel back towards your brain right before you're about to sneeze.

I took a deep breath and that triggered it.

I sneezed.

And the president noticed.




He looked over at me and saw my face.

The snot was flying towards him.

He looked at me,

then looked at the snot, still airborne,

then looked me dead in the eyes,

as the snot landed directly on his face.

He stopped speaking.




I kind of blacked out at that point so I didn't know exactly what the quote was until I saw it later on the news, but it turns out that right then, he said, "...and as I try to fix our situation with the national GDP, I look forward to the upcoming--     *snot hits his face*      *he pauses*       *he looks at me*



"............................................................Are you f***ing s****ing me?"

.

The republicans had a field day with it.

The president's outburst was all over Fox News.

Democratic stations tried to defend him, saying that, "are you f***ing s****ing me," was a perfectly reasonable response to the direct shot of the projectile sneeze.

Anyone who was so horridly mucus-ssaulted (that was what they were calling it) would react exactly the same way.

The democrats said that whoever sneezed was probably a terrorist.

The republicans said it was probably God.

Within weeks the president was impeached for his crude moment with the press.

The country would not stand behind a leader who reacted so crassly to what they saw as such a small situation.

But the president and I both knew it was not small.

There was a lot of snot.

Like a lot a lot.




The president was quick to point me out as the culprit of the devastating sneeze, and I quickly lost my job.

However, within days the republican party contacted me to say they wanted me to run as their future candidate.

They said I had done what they had all wanted to do for years.

They said I was just the only one with the guts to do it.

But I didn't have guts.

I just had allergies.




I'm the president now though.

So that's pretty cool.




I bought the old president a house as kind of an "I'm sorry" gift.

But I'm not really that sorry,

This all turned out pretty well for me.

And after all,

he could've just said,




"God Bless you."