25. "Pregnant And Lost"

Well what a strange day this turned out to be.



I started out on a plane.

To South America.

With Jessica Alba.



It was dope.



I've been screenwriting in Hollywood for a few years now, and over the course of my career Jessica and I have gotten pretty close.

It turns out that she's absolutely crazy about the environment, which of course I am too (wink wink), so naturally I suggested that we take a trip down to the Amazon to do some good in the world.

That trip started today.

And she allowed me to fly on her private jet.

Which was much more private than I expected it to be.........

There was literally nobody on the plane besides her, myself, and the pilots.

So we were absolutely alone.

For hours.

Talking.

And talking..........

And talking...........................



Until she asked if I wanted to join the mile high club.



That was also dope.



After we finished our.............. ritual, I suppose you would call it, the plane's alarm started to blare and the pilots told us to fasten our seat belts.

I thought that we had broken something, which we probably did, but this turned out to be a much larger issue.

The oxygen masks came down and we started sucking on them furiously, as the plane made a horrible spiraling descent.

After a few moments of absolute fear, I blacked out, and when I opened my eyes again I realized that I was no longer in the plane.



I was still strapped into my seat, but it had been broken off from the main cabin, and I found myself now laying in a large bush in the middle of the rain forest.

I looked down and saw the flaming remains of our fallen vessel.

I saw the pilots leaning halfway out of the plane's windshield, bloody and motionless.

And I continued my scan to see Jessica, lying beside the wreckage, totally and completely still.

I unstrapped my buckle and hobbled to her as quickly as I could.

I knew before I got there that she hadn't made it but I had to see her up close to be sure.

It took me some time to check her and the rest of the bodies, but once I had, I started to salvage whatever I could.

A broken radio.

Water.

Food supplies.

A first aid kit.

Anything that I could find among the ashes.



Once I started to move through the jungle, however, I started to get horrible stomach pains......



I took the Pepto Bismol that was included in the first aid kit but it didn't help.

I took the Ibuprofen.

But still nothing.



Soon afterwards I had to use the bathroom.



I found a nearby tree and decided that it was as good a place as any to take care of my business.

As I was carrying out the task, however, my first aid kit toppled over and popped open.

I turned to see what had happened and accidentally urinated onto a few of the kit's belongings.

One of which being a pregnancy test.



At this point in the story, if I were back in the states, I would probably be hailed as the most famous person in the world.

I would be on Oprah, 60 minutes, Good Morning America, and all of the other big talk shows.

The world would not be able to get enough of the first man in history to ever show blue on a pregnancy test.



I don't know exactly how those tests work but I used every one in that kit, which for some reason was around ten, and every one of them read positive.

This was concerning for me because at that point I did not know whether I should be more worried about being lost in the Amazon, or being pregnant with Jessica Alba's baby.

...............and consequently getting Jessica Alba's baby lost in the Amazon.



This brings us to where I am currently.

Lost in the rain forest.

Feeling like a bad parent.

And wondering if I'll ever see another human face again.



But wait--

Those look like tribesmen..........



YES!!!

THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!

Oh thank you Lord, I'M SAVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



But hey........

They all seem kind of fat to be tribesmen............

They would have to eat a massive amount to look the way that they do...................

Unless..........



No..................................



THEY'RE ALL PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!


AND I'M THE NEWEST PREGNANT TRIBESMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo............





THE END.



(Sorry, story got weird for me too. I just had to end it somehow, ya know? Thanks for understanding)


-World's best father/mother, Joe