3. "A Houseplant Is Dying. Tell It Why It Needs To Live."

Hey, c'mon man. You've got a lot of things goin' for you, ya know? Like I mean you're still lookin' a little green in the stem. That's a good thing. And hey! Remember when my mom first brought you home from Osh, and how happy she was? She said that you reminded her of the flowers that my grandma used to have in her garden. Those big beautiful purple ones, you know? Like yeah, I mean you're a little smaller and were never quite as purple, but like... you're still good. In your own way.

Like you're your own plant, you know? Like who cares if there are other bigger, more vibrant plants out there? You're perfect because you're exactly the way you are. No other plant in the world is as you as you are.

I mean I know that sometimes being you isn't all that appealing, but being me isn't all that great either sometimes. Even Donald Trump has to deal with people calling his hair stupid, but that guy's still got a pretty good life.

So don't worry about what people say about you man. Sure you're not the brightest flower on the window sill, but what's important is that you're the brightest flower to yourself. Keep your stem up and face the world proudly. You've got a lot to live for out here and you've brought a lot of joy to a lot of people's lives. And I'm not just talkin' about me and my family. That guy who walks down the street with the French beret on everyday always stares at you through the window, and that lady who walks her dog, Buffy? Hell, Buffy tried to eat you one time cuz he thought you looked so appealing. Remember that?

Arite, sorry. Didn't mean to bring up a bad memory. But what I'm saying is that people care about you. And dogs too. And if you stick around I'll water you everyday and I'll make sure to always tell you how beautiful you are.

What? I mean no, I'm not gay either, I just thought you'd like to be called beautiful. If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it. You don't have to freak out about it.

But do we have a deal? Cuz I want you around man. You make the house smell better. And I think Buffy and Frenchy would be at a real loss if they didn't have you around anymore. So what do you say man?

Life?