First, I'd like to leave my saxophone to my beloved grandson. You are still young enough to learn and could grow up to be a great musician someday. Hopefully better than your talentless father ever was.
Second, I leave my stable to my beautiful granddaughter. I know how much you love the horses and I trust you will take better care of them than anybody else in the world. Especially your father, who couldn't even take care of his own puppy... RIP Scruffles...
Then, I would like to leave my estate to my incredible wife. You've been with me through it all honey, and I am so grateful that I got to spend my life with you. Much better than all the time that I spent with our worthless son, Frank.
As for my money, all of it will be split evenly between my wife and my two grandkids. The childrens' shares should be put into trust funds that will be accessible to them when they turn 18.
And to my son, I give nothing. He is a piece of shit.
2 Years Later
Well! It seems that we have a change of arrangements.
I just faked my death to see which of you would come to my funeral, and to my surprise, my son was the only one there.
Sure he just came to spit on my grave, but at least he cared enough to do that.
Therefore, all items previously mentioned now go to Frank. Good job Frank. Hopefully this stuff helps you become less worthless.
Also, guess who else came to the funeral honey.
Your sister.
To Gail's sister, and my mistress, I leave the rights to my company. Sell it to the highest bidder and it should be enough to raise our child.
Also Frank, you have a half-sibling. Your mother doesn't know.
To my wife and grandkids, I just want to say that I am deeply disappointed in you. I really expected more from my favorite family members and I hope you all burn in the fiery furnaces of hell.
Much love,
-Grandpa Joe
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