FADE IN.
EXT. THE TOP OF AN ACTIVE VOLCANO - NIGHT
SVETLANA, a young beautiful Swedish woman, is naked and tied to a rocket. DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE, a doctor who's actually a pretty nice guy usually but has had a few too many drinks tonight, has a burning match held next to the fuse that will send the rocket into space.
CAPTAIN CONSISTENTLYSAVESDAMSELSINDISTRESS, a muscley, spandex-wrapped superhero with an opioid addiction, stands a safe distance away trying not to make any sudden moves. DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE is pretty jumpy.
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE: (slurring his words) Don't make any sudden moves Captain! I'm feeling jumpy!
CAPTAIN CONSISTENTLYSAVESDAMSELSINDISTRESS: You'll never get away with this Docto--!
The CAPTAIN trips over his own feet and rolls down the volcano. He hits his head on a rock. He is dead.
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE: At long last! The hero of Mount Eruption is DEAD!!!!
He turns his gaze to the beautiful SVETLANA.
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE: And now my pretty, I shall send you into space to test how the trajectory of a Looney Tunes style rocket holds up while tied to a small foreign woman!!!!!!!!
SVETLANA: Nej!!!! Snälla du!!!!!!!!
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE: HAHAHA!!! Yes!!! No one will save you now!!!!!!!
VOICE: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE looks around.
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE: What?!? Who said that!?! Show yourself!!!
A beam of light shines down from the heavens and illuminates DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE and SVETLANA.
GOD: Thought you were going to get away with it this time, didn't you Doctor?
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE: Ahhhh! So we meet again God!
GOD: Yes. And I believe this will be for the last tim--
GOD trips over a cloud. He tumbles from the heavens and falls into the volcano. He is dead.
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE: HAHAHAHA!!!!! FINALLY! The creator of the heavens and the Earth is NO MOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
He turns his gaze to SVETLANA again.
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE: And now my pretty, I shall send you--
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: --TO INFINITYYYYY AND BEYOND!!!!!!
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR tears through the sky and kicks DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE in the back of the head!
DOCTOR KILLSALOTOFPEOPLE: AHHH BLAST!!!
He gets a hemorrhage in his brain. He is dead.
SVETLANA: Herregud! Det var min make Herr Lightyear!!!
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: (winking at her) All in a days work Ms.
Suddenly, two COPS show up.
COP 1: Hey!!! That spaceman is tryina test how the trajectory of a Looney Tunes style rocket will hold up while strapped to a small foreign woman!!! Kill him!!!!!
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: Wait! No! I--!
The two COPS open fire and empty their clips into BUZZ LIGHTYEAR. He wobbles for a moment and then falls to the ground. He is dead.
COP 2: RELOADING!!!!!
The two COPS put about 1,500 rounds into BUZZ.
COP 2: ....think he's dead yet?
COP 1: There's only one way to find out........
COP 1 responsibly approaches BUZZ LIGHTYEAR's tattered carcass and takes his pulse.
COP 1: Yup. He's dead.
COP 2: ...One more for good measure?
COP 1: Blast him partner.
COP 2 takes a shot but misses and instead hits the rocket fuse, which lights it and sends SVETLANA off into space.
The COPS watch as she drifts off into the heavens.
COP 1: Huh.
COP 2: Yeah. I think I missed.
The two keep staring at the rocket soaring overhead.
COP 2: Flying pretty straight I guess, right?
COP 1: Little bit of a lilt.
COP 2: Little bit.
COP 1: To the right, yeah?
COP 2: Yup.
The two keep watching her fly.
COP 1: Better mark that down, right?
COP 2: Yeah.
COP 1: For science.
COP 2 jots the results of the experiment down in his notepad.
The two stand in silence for a moment.
COP 1: You hungry?
COP 2: Starving.
INT. DENNY'S - 10 MINUTES LATER
The two COPS sit across from each other while dining on some grand slams.
COP 1 cuts his pancakes.
COP 1: Can you pass the syrup?
COP 2: Yeah.
COP 2 passes the syrup.
THE END.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
31. "Write Your Will Explaining Who Gets What And Your Changes Of Mind Over The Years About It"
First, I'd like to leave my saxophone to my beloved grandson. You are still young enough to learn and could grow up to be a great musician someday. Hopefully better than your talentless father ever was.
Second, I leave my stable to my beautiful granddaughter. I know how much you love the horses and I trust you will take better care of them than anybody else in the world. Especially your father, who couldn't even take care of his own puppy... RIP Scruffles...
Then, I would like to leave my estate to my incredible wife. You've been with me through it all honey, and I am so grateful that I got to spend my life with you. Much better than all the time that I spent with our worthless son, Frank.
As for my money, all of it will be split evenly between my wife and my two grandkids. The childrens' shares should be put into trust funds that will be accessible to them when they turn 18.
And to my son, I give nothing. He is a piece of shit.
2 Years Later
Well! It seems that we have a change of arrangements.
I just faked my death to see which of you would come to my funeral, and to my surprise, my son was the only one there.
Sure he just came to spit on my grave, but at least he cared enough to do that.
Therefore, all items previously mentioned now go to Frank. Good job Frank. Hopefully this stuff helps you become less worthless.
Also, guess who else came to the funeral honey.
Your sister.
To Gail's sister, and my mistress, I leave the rights to my company. Sell it to the highest bidder and it should be enough to raise our child.
Also Frank, you have a half-sibling. Your mother doesn't know.
To my wife and grandkids, I just want to say that I am deeply disappointed in you. I really expected more from my favorite family members and I hope you all burn in the fiery furnaces of hell.
Much love,
-Grandpa Joe
Second, I leave my stable to my beautiful granddaughter. I know how much you love the horses and I trust you will take better care of them than anybody else in the world. Especially your father, who couldn't even take care of his own puppy... RIP Scruffles...
Then, I would like to leave my estate to my incredible wife. You've been with me through it all honey, and I am so grateful that I got to spend my life with you. Much better than all the time that I spent with our worthless son, Frank.
As for my money, all of it will be split evenly between my wife and my two grandkids. The childrens' shares should be put into trust funds that will be accessible to them when they turn 18.
And to my son, I give nothing. He is a piece of shit.
2 Years Later
Well! It seems that we have a change of arrangements.
I just faked my death to see which of you would come to my funeral, and to my surprise, my son was the only one there.
Sure he just came to spit on my grave, but at least he cared enough to do that.
Therefore, all items previously mentioned now go to Frank. Good job Frank. Hopefully this stuff helps you become less worthless.
Also, guess who else came to the funeral honey.
Your sister.
To Gail's sister, and my mistress, I leave the rights to my company. Sell it to the highest bidder and it should be enough to raise our child.
Also Frank, you have a half-sibling. Your mother doesn't know.
To my wife and grandkids, I just want to say that I am deeply disappointed in you. I really expected more from my favorite family members and I hope you all burn in the fiery furnaces of hell.
Much love,
-Grandpa Joe
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
29.“Think Of A Person You Despise. Now Describe All The Wonderful Things About That Person.”
Cuba Gooding Jr.
You have nice skin I guess.
You play a good retarded person.
Your annoyingly high voice isn’t that annoying all the time.
You have really big eyes. You can take that as a compliment
if you want.
You have all your teeth. I imagine.
You’re farther along in your career than I am. But I’m in
college, so.
Snowboard instructor who threw me on the ground when I was
six.
You’re probably good at snowboarding.
You’re employed.
That’s all I’ve got. You’re a horrible person.
Dentist woman who gave me a toothbrush when I was little,
saying I obviously didn’t use mine at home.
You probably know a lot about teeth.
You’re employed.
This is gonna repeat for a lot of people.
Chevron employee who sent me an email saying I got the
Chevron scholarship, then emailed me back saying they made a mistake, then
didn’t pick up either of the phone numbers that they told me to call and never called me back.
You own two phones.
Monday, August 10, 2015
28. "A Tomato."
I looked down and saw its red juices flowing beneath my feet.
I'd always wanted to see red there, but I wanted to see red of a different kind...........
My greatest desire in life was always to be the best.
I wanted to be the greatest that had ever lived.
People had often told me that that was a silly dream of mine.
And that to even attempt something that grand wasn't worth my efforts.
But I knew they were wrong.
People are always wrong.
About themselves, and about me.
Themselves, they see as the Ghandi's and Mother Theresa's of the world.
Me, they consider to be a nobody.
But those considerations have only ever fueled me.
They pushed me forward when nothing else could.
I embraced the hatred that I received from others.
And I let it propel me towards being the man that I knew I could be.
I said I would be the best.
I said I would be more.
I said that I would be the somebody that they never saw in me.
But now here I am.
On the world's biggest stage.
With my entire life staring back at me.
And I look down to see a tomato.
When all I ever wanted to see were roses................
I'd always wanted to see red there, but I wanted to see red of a different kind...........
My greatest desire in life was always to be the best.
I wanted to be the greatest that had ever lived.
People had often told me that that was a silly dream of mine.
And that to even attempt something that grand wasn't worth my efforts.
But I knew they were wrong.
People are always wrong.
About themselves, and about me.
Themselves, they see as the Ghandi's and Mother Theresa's of the world.
Me, they consider to be a nobody.
But those considerations have only ever fueled me.
They pushed me forward when nothing else could.
I embraced the hatred that I received from others.
And I let it propel me towards being the man that I knew I could be.
I said I would be the best.
I said I would be more.
I said that I would be the somebody that they never saw in me.
But now here I am.
On the world's biggest stage.
With my entire life staring back at me.
And I look down to see a tomato.
When all I ever wanted to see were roses................
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
27. "You Are The Pilot Of A Jumbo Jet, Just Realizing The Plane May Crash. What Will You Tell The Passengers And The Crew?"
Aaaaaaaaaaaattention all passengers and crew, this is your captain speaking. Please buckle your seatbelts and adjust your chairs to the upright and locked position, as this plane is about to crash into the ocean. Thank you for flying Blogga Flogga Airlines, and good luck to you all.
5 MINUTES LATER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattention once again passengers and crew, this is your captain speaking. As you have already heard, this plane is in a merciless spiral towards the abyss, and all of us up here in the cockpit would greatly appreciate it if you could try to keep the noise to a minimum. We are doing everything that we can to ensure a safe and secure landing on your flight with us today, and that goal is most easily achieved with a quiet and respectful work environment. We thank you for your cooperation here on flight 117, and we should be reaching the ocean shortly.
1 MINUTE LATER
Hello again passengers and crew, we are now approaching The Pacific. If you are sitting near any friends or loved ones we would ask that you take this time now to say good bye to them, and if you checked any bags with us today we ask that you say good bye to those as well as you will definitely not be getting those back. Please brace yourselves for an incredibly rough landing, as we were not able to regain any control of the plane today, and once again, we thank you for flying with us here on Blogga Flogga Ai--!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.....................1 DAY LATER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattention passenger and crew member, this is the captain of your life boat speaking. We appreciate the two of you joining us here aboard the S.S. Flogga today, and are glad to extend a congratulatory handshake to each of you on surviving the plane crash. Unfortunately there will not be any meals served aboard this vessel today, or tomorrow, or any other day, but it is vaguely possible that we catch a fish or other water critter while aboard this raft. Once again, we would like to thank you for flying/sailing with Blogga Flogga Airlines, and we hope to receive your business again soon. Take care of yourself, because I won't be taking care of you anymore, and have a good rest of your more than likely short life. Bye-bye! (*smiles and waves*)
5 MINUTES LATER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattention once again passengers and crew, this is your captain speaking. As you have already heard, this plane is in a merciless spiral towards the abyss, and all of us up here in the cockpit would greatly appreciate it if you could try to keep the noise to a minimum. We are doing everything that we can to ensure a safe and secure landing on your flight with us today, and that goal is most easily achieved with a quiet and respectful work environment. We thank you for your cooperation here on flight 117, and we should be reaching the ocean shortly.
1 MINUTE LATER
Hello again passengers and crew, we are now approaching The Pacific. If you are sitting near any friends or loved ones we would ask that you take this time now to say good bye to them, and if you checked any bags with us today we ask that you say good bye to those as well as you will definitely not be getting those back. Please brace yourselves for an incredibly rough landing, as we were not able to regain any control of the plane today, and once again, we thank you for flying with us here on Blogga Flogga Ai--!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.....................1 DAY LATER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattention passenger and crew member, this is the captain of your life boat speaking. We appreciate the two of you joining us here aboard the S.S. Flogga today, and are glad to extend a congratulatory handshake to each of you on surviving the plane crash. Unfortunately there will not be any meals served aboard this vessel today, or tomorrow, or any other day, but it is vaguely possible that we catch a fish or other water critter while aboard this raft. Once again, we would like to thank you for flying/sailing with Blogga Flogga Airlines, and we hope to receive your business again soon. Take care of yourself, because I won't be taking care of you anymore, and have a good rest of your more than likely short life. Bye-bye! (*smiles and waves*)
Monday, August 3, 2015
26. "What A Character Wearing Something Red Is Thinking." (Continuation From Blog Post #7)
HOLY SHIT I'M ALIVE AGAIN!!!
AND I'M NOT CARRYING THAT BLUE THING ANYMORE!!!!!
Oh what a weight that takes off my shoulders!!! .........I think........ My creator never really explained how heavy the blue object was.
But now I'm in a new world!!! One where I'm wearing something red!! I wonder what he'll make it......... Maybe my shirt, maybe a hat, maybe my socks?
Oh! A jacket! I'm wearing a big red jacket! Thanks creator! I actually really like it! Ralph Lauren?? That's a nice touch! Horsepower, amiright???
Wait........ why's it getting all sandy around here? Am I going back to Hawaii?
No...... This place isn't as nice...... and there's no piña coladas..........
There's a crowd here........
And they're cheering for me.........
But I don't understand why.............
This is all getting veeeeeeeery stra--
HOLY SHIT THERE'S A BULL!!! I'M IN A BULL FIGHT! I'M A GOD DAMN BULL FIGHTER!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GET ME OUT OF HERE CREATOR GET ME OUT OF HERE PLEEEEASE!!!!!! I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THIS!!! AND I'M WEARING RED!!!!! LIKE A BIG ASS RED THING!!!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE CREATOR!!!!!!!!! GET!!!! ME!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU--
--T.........
Maaaaaaan that was FUCKED up creator! Fuck you!! Why you gotta do me like that?? I don't know how to fight a god damn bull! AND you put me in that big ass red jacket!
That's it man. I'm done with you. Last time you left me in Hawaii with a hundred billion dollars and then stranded me before I could spend it. You know I don't do well on my own! I literally can't do ANYTHING on my own!
To be honest, I've almost gotten to the point where I'd rather cease to exist than just be around as your little play thing. I can't stand just being around for you to have fun with. I want my own life! I want to make my own decisions!! I can't stand just waiting for you to tell me what to do all the time!
............But that's the way my life is set up I guess. I'm not able to think on my own. I depend on you......... For everything.
But wait.........
YOU DEPEND ON ME TOO!!!!!
You're a writer!!!!! You can't write stories without characters! You need me to make your stories come together!!!
Sure you can write other characters besides me, but when it all comes down to it, every character you ever write is just a different version of me! Think about it! Every character you come up with is simply a figment from your imagination. Meaning that in a way, we're all really the same. We all come from your head, and are born from the experiences in your life. Sure your next character might be the total opposite of me, but they are still just a variation of people and experiences that you have encountered, just like I am, meaning that your future characters will all just be a variation of me.
We may not look the same, or talk the same, but at our cores, we're all born from you.
WE ARE JUST VERSIONS OF YOU!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!
So if I die, you die! But I'll never die, because I live on in the other characters that you create! Then those characters live on in the pages that you have written, and so when you die you actually live on through the characters, who are simply variations of you/me!
Hoooooooooly god this is insane.
Ima have to go cease to exist for a while. This one's really got me thinkin.
Until next time Creator. It's been real.
But before I go..........
................................are you wearing something red?
AND I'M NOT CARRYING THAT BLUE THING ANYMORE!!!!!
Oh what a weight that takes off my shoulders!!! .........I think........ My creator never really explained how heavy the blue object was.
But now I'm in a new world!!! One where I'm wearing something red!! I wonder what he'll make it......... Maybe my shirt, maybe a hat, maybe my socks?
Oh! A jacket! I'm wearing a big red jacket! Thanks creator! I actually really like it! Ralph Lauren?? That's a nice touch! Horsepower, amiright???
Wait........ why's it getting all sandy around here? Am I going back to Hawaii?
No...... This place isn't as nice...... and there's no piña coladas..........
There's a crowd here........
And they're cheering for me.........
But I don't understand why.............
This is all getting veeeeeeeery stra--
HOLY SHIT THERE'S A BULL!!! I'M IN A BULL FIGHT! I'M A GOD DAMN BULL FIGHTER!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GET ME OUT OF HERE CREATOR GET ME OUT OF HERE PLEEEEASE!!!!!! I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THIS!!! AND I'M WEARING RED!!!!! LIKE A BIG ASS RED THING!!!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE CREATOR!!!!!!!!! GET!!!! ME!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU--
--T.........
Maaaaaaan that was FUCKED up creator! Fuck you!! Why you gotta do me like that?? I don't know how to fight a god damn bull! AND you put me in that big ass red jacket!
That's it man. I'm done with you. Last time you left me in Hawaii with a hundred billion dollars and then stranded me before I could spend it. You know I don't do well on my own! I literally can't do ANYTHING on my own!
To be honest, I've almost gotten to the point where I'd rather cease to exist than just be around as your little play thing. I can't stand just being around for you to have fun with. I want my own life! I want to make my own decisions!! I can't stand just waiting for you to tell me what to do all the time!
............But that's the way my life is set up I guess. I'm not able to think on my own. I depend on you......... For everything.
But wait.........
YOU DEPEND ON ME TOO!!!!!
You're a writer!!!!! You can't write stories without characters! You need me to make your stories come together!!!
Sure you can write other characters besides me, but when it all comes down to it, every character you ever write is just a different version of me! Think about it! Every character you come up with is simply a figment from your imagination. Meaning that in a way, we're all really the same. We all come from your head, and are born from the experiences in your life. Sure your next character might be the total opposite of me, but they are still just a variation of people and experiences that you have encountered, just like I am, meaning that your future characters will all just be a variation of me.
We may not look the same, or talk the same, but at our cores, we're all born from you.
WE ARE JUST VERSIONS OF YOU!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!
So if I die, you die! But I'll never die, because I live on in the other characters that you create! Then those characters live on in the pages that you have written, and so when you die you actually live on through the characters, who are simply variations of you/me!
Hoooooooooly god this is insane.
Ima have to go cease to exist for a while. This one's really got me thinkin.
Until next time Creator. It's been real.
But before I go..........
................................are you wearing something red?
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